This City Is Far From Here
by Arf-Arf-Psycho
Summary: For Victoria Shepard, the line between love and hate often becomes imperceptible, and a certain Cerberus Operative is to blame. For Alexandria Keane, it's the line between reality and insanity that blurs. When the world becomes twisted and everything is not as it seems, who can you believe in when you don't even trust yourself?
1. The Line

**AN: This is a little different as far as fics go, but it's still Miri/Shep focused, despite the OC so I'd hope that people are still willing to give it a chance. The first chapter however will be from said OC's point of view (one of only a small amount chapters that will be) in order to set the story up, so bear with me. Any chapters from here on out will be a great deal more Shepard or Miranda centric. Please leave a review (/comment now?) and tell me what you think. I'm completely open to criticism… but I prefer praise. And lots of it :3**

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**1: The Line**

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_It is a well-known fact that reality, as a concept, is very much elusive by nature._

_It is neither objective, nor concrete in its existence, never present in the same way twice, and always appearing different to another's perspective. As much as we as a people feel bound by the constraints of the world around us, each of us see the world differently. _

_A child sees the innocence of trees, and the shining of the sun while a blind man sees neither. The mute cannot share song or laughter, but observe in silence with the deaf never knowing the difference. _

_Does sound exist to the deaf? Their reality is silent. Does colour exist to the blind? After all, if perception is the only vital tool in distinguishing reality, then reality as a whole is only that which a person chooses to believe._

_Sanity is categorised by one's belief of reality being the same as the majority's. If the majority decrees a man did something he did not, is he insane to believe them, or to believe himself instead? In such a case, reality is often blurred, and the truth of the matter can quickly fade away._

_Who is to say which reality is true? _

_In the end, the truth is only as real as we believe it to be._

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

The voices were quiet, like whispers in the back of the mind, indistinguishable and unclean. There were no words, not where they should have been, instead a deep hum sounded throughout the small boxed room like a ghost, there but not quite.

Shaking and sweating, paralysed by the murmurs that danced in and out of one's ears and crawled upon one's skin, the world grew cold.

It was always like this, the same ceiling staring down, oppressive and dark. The same three walls pressing in, squeezing the air away until all that was left was fear. The same glass panel, murky and jaded, windowing a figure or two at times, or another dark wall in the distance. It was all so unknown and mysterious, but by now so very familiar.

It was a home away from home, a strange and painful home where everything was confused and numb, or bright and painful, as if opening eyes into the light for the first time.

Nothing made sense, but it always hurt.

As if the thought itself begged more pain, the glass panel slid open, the shape of a strange man looming overhead; a terrible silhouette, ready to inflict more horror down upon the weak. With a raised arm, the man swung and the world began stinging violently. The cruel gleam of teeth shone against the gloom in a single smile, and the silhouette swung again. The pain was dull compared to the ache everywhere else, deep and unforgiving with no sign of ending.

The pain would never leave. Nor would the memory, this little boxed room haunted the mind, plaguing all sanity, a cruel delusion and disease of the mind that consumed and consumed until it was so very real.

Real, as in moments like this, when the light of day was so very far away and the terrible silhouette was all that remained.

The only solace came when the world began to grow dark, and the voices grew quieter still. The shadows beckoned like an angel's embrace and enveloped the weak in its wings.

This bitter visage was soon to fade, as would the pain, and light would return to the world once again. The voices would remain however, a vicious memory of a recurring nightmare that never disappeared. But this wasn't life, this wasn't real.

It was only a whisper.

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

The alarm rang at an offensively loud volume, shaking wildly against the backdrop of sun that was intrusively forcing its way through the curtains. The ringing persisted for a long while until a swift hand batted it across the bedroom, one grey eye opening wearily to watch it smash and shatter against the wall.

Suffice to say, Alexandria Keane was not a morning person. If the alarm wasn't enough to go by, the irritated groan that followed was proof enough of the fact.

"Come on grumpy. Get your ass out of bed before I kick it!" The familiar voice soon interrupted the treasured silence that had been achieved following the unfortunate alarm clock's demise; it was a fact Alexandria was not all too impressed about.

Another groan.

"Alright you asked for it…" came the amused response, a faked dramatic sigh was soon followed by the sound of pitter-pattering footfalls, growing faster and louder as they neared. Alex only had time to open her eyes in alarm and realisation before she was pummelled in the side with great force and sent tumbling off the side of the bed.

Not a moment later, the same weight that had knocked her so rudely from her place of rest came crashing down on top of her. Adding insult to injury as it were, was the smiling face of her attacker staring down at her from inches above, victory written everywhere in the piercing green of her eyes.

"What are you doing down there?" The intruder grinned incorrigibly, a perfectly arched brow raised in a mocking display of innocence. Alex growled.

"Tori, get the hell off me!"

The only response was laughter. This evil creature clearly had no pity for her lost sleep, nor the comfort of the bed that had been so cruelly deprived of her. Instead, she was laid in a tangle of sheets on the floor, with a ridiculous lump of a best friend curled up on top of her.

There was obviously no God.

Alex sighed, pushing the other woman off her in annoyance. If there was one thing nobody messed with, it was her sleep time, and even that her friend had ignored in favour of rolling around on the floor at God only knows what hour of the morning. _Is there nothing sacred?_

"Why? Was there any need for anything you just did right there?"

"Does my insatiable lust for annoying you count?" Tori replied from the floor, resting back in the fallen duvet casually, arms crossed behind her head. It was almost as if it was done purposefully to make the small grey shirt she wore ride up just enough to show off her toned abdomen, so she could add:

"…Or what about my love for rolling around half naked with beautiful women?" Her brows danced and Alex couldn't resist the urge to smile. _Damnit._

"Beautiful huh? I knew it. You've been just waiting to jump my bones ever since you suggested we move in together."

Tori simply mock gasped, raising a hand to her chest in 'horror'.

"Am I that transparent?"

Alex rolled her eyes with a grin, reaching out a hand to pull the redhead from the floor. It was thankfully accepted without incident; with Tori, one could never be too careful.

Once back on her feet, she wasted no time in heading off towards the kitchen and hopping up onto the bench, beside a blonde man with an incredibly handsome smile.

"Nathan, what are you doing here?" Alex grinned at him, unable to supress the happiness she felt at seeing her younger brother. Since his going to college, it felt as if she rarely saw him at all anymore.

"What do you mean? You knew I was coming over." His brows furrowed.

It was only then Alex noticed the fact that he was wearing his track outfit, and holding a water bottle in his hand. She quickly glanced back at Tori, still lounging on the bench with a half-eaten apple in hand.

Alex regarded her for a moment, noticing that she was not only already dressed, but that she was wearing tight shorts and her well-worn jogging sneakers. Realisation hit soon after.

"Today's Saturday isn't it?"

Tori's face scrunched.

"You forgot our run." It wasn't a question, but an accusation. Tori took her running seriously, almost as seriously as Alex took her sleep. She sighed.

"Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind." It was no lie. She often felt her whole mind would be swallowed up by her nightmares, until all that was left was that dark room, her home away from home. Her terrible, agonizing home. Subconsciously, she rubbed at her aching muscles, trying to pretend that the pain was from her fall that morning, and not from that dark figure in her dream. The truth was, it hurt every morning. She hurt every waking moment of every day.

Sometimes, on better days, she dreamed of space. Of aliens and planets and flying vehicles, of spaceships and stars.

More often, she dreamed of hell. She dreamed of shaking, and pain and darkness, and monsters lurking in the shadows. And it always hurt.

She quickly snapped herself from her thoughts. It was enough that she was haunted by that strange, unknown place every night; she didn't need to plague herself with thoughts of it during the day.

"I'll go get changed."

In a rush to keep her mind off such unpleasant things, she quickly retreated back into her room and emerged minutes later wearing grey sweatpants and her hair tied back. Tori grinned, hopping off the counter with a wink and instantly Alex felt comforted.

It was just a nightmare. This was her life, with the sun shining outside and her best friend and her brother smiling without a care in the world. This was all that mattered.

"Come on. Hurry that fine ass up or I'll kick it out the door too." Tori shouted, already out the door.

"Hey, don't hit on my sister! That's gross!" She heard Nathan echo.

Alex just shook her head and followed, smiling once again as she listened to them bicker. There was definitely nothing to worry about she assured herself.

When she got out the door, Tori was already doing stretches, with one long, lean leg resting straight atop the fence, pushing down on it with her hands before swapping to the other. She mostly pretended not to notice the admiring glances she got from passers-by, who took every chance to give her the once over… several times over. Even Nathan seemed to suddenly be struggling to look anywhere but at her ass, and failing.

Though, Tori was used to it. With her long lashes, full lips and long red hair cascading down her back, it wasn't surprising that people stared. Add to that a body that – as she frequently liked to remind them - both an athlete and an underwear model would be proud of, and she was more than accustomed to garnering the appreciative attention of most sight-blessed mortals.

That of course didn't mean she didn't enjoy all the attention, so she endured with a smirk and continued her warm-up.

She didn't even stop for the wolf whistles she got from across the road, but instead turned mid-stretch to get a view of her spectators. The whistle itself seemed to have come from a tall, muscular blonde man, wearing a smug grin on his face, despite holding the hand of a rather hurt looking brunette girl.

_What an asshole._

From the look on Tori's face, she thought very much the same. There was little Tori hated more than assholes, arrogant pricks or men who didn't treat their girls right. Unfortunately for him, that particular man had the look of all of those things.

"Screw you asshole. I'd come over there kick your ass if I thought you were worth washing the blood off my fist." She stared him down fiercely, with an expression that left no room for doubt that she was being completely serious. Tori was not the type of person you messed with, no matter who you were. In a good mood, she was flirty and mischievous, but get on her bad side and a fiery stay in hell seemed less scary.

The man however, appeared to be the rather unintelligent type.

"Got a mouth on you huh? I could put that to good use." His laugh was lecherous. Tori was nowhere near amused, seething angrily, her face a vision of pure rage.

"I told you to stop." She fumed, but the word's came out like a whisper.

Alex's brow furrowed. The sound was wrong. At first, she couldn't put her finger on it, strange and unnatural as it was. Like a murmur, indistinguishable and unclean.

Alex froze.

Tori's voice, distorted and strange, was ringing in her ears. Dread shook her to the core as she recognised the muffled sound, her eyes widening as it echoed inexplicably.

_Not here. It's just a nightmare. It can't follow me here._

But follow it did, words whispering in the back of her mind, like the voices in her dream, as if they were reaching out from the darkest spaces of her brain and seeping into her real life bit by bit. The horror choked her as she stood, black spots slowly beginning to cloud her vision.

"You okay?" Tori's voice was there again, cleaner this time, but Alex's head was already spinning. Just as the pain seemed to have slowly faded from her bones, it re-emerged inside her skull, pounding violently.

"Alex! What the hell is going on? What's the matter?"

Alex turned blankly from her friend, staring across the road to find the couple nowhere in sight. _Disappeared. I'm going insane._

Her breathing was heavy, the world going black around the edges of her vision, a sickness devouring her lungs and tearing at her chest. It was all too much.

The ringing in her head grew louder, more whispers crawling in her brain.

"Alex?"

'_Shepard…'_

"Snap out of it!"

'_They're loose!'_

"Alex!"

'_Kill them all!'_

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

With a mighty heave, the world twisted and spun. A moment later, it went dark.

Sound began to bleed into existence once again however, loud and unfamiliar. Sirens whirred obnoxiously in the background, muffled and strained beneath the heavy toil of lungs and deep breaths clouding the mind.

Alex groaned, her eyelids flickering against the sudden glare of light. The ringing hadn't stopped, only this time the alarm was nothing she could stop with the swing of an arm. It was loud, excruciatingly loud to her already pounding head, which screamed in protest of being moved.

Finally peeling her eyes open fully, the black spots began to fade from her vision, only to reveal something worse than a nightmare.

_Not here. Not again._

The room was lighter this time, the sounds no longer muffled but loud and painful. It all felt far too real. While still groggy, her limbs no longer felt numb and useless, or on fire from the pain, instead a dull ache resonated throughout her body. Making a move to sit up, her skull split in agony once again, forcing a cry of pain past her lips.

Taking a deep breath, she tried again, this time ignoring her body's protests as she pulled herself up onto her knees.

The room was empty. Alex was grateful for that small mercy at least, yet still worried that the dark figure from so many times before would return, and bring with him the fiery torture she had grown so used to in the past. After the minutes ticked by however, and nothing changed, she found herself at a loss as to what to do next.

Every time she had been in this room, everything had been dark and unclear, the sound, her vision, even the sensation of touch was numb but for the pain and altogether it never lasted too long before she woke once again. No control, no real feeling or conscious thought. It made everything easier to pass off as a nightmare.

But now, everything was bright. There was no dark, blurry monster, hidden round the corner and waiting to pounce, no lack of control or thought. She felt very much within her power to move and think and feel, and that scared her even more than anything she had suffered in this room ever before. If she could control it, it had to be real.

Alex sat in shock, waiting to wake up in her real life any moment now, with Tori leaning over with a smirk, laughing at her for fainting like a damn school girl. That's what it had to be. The heat had been too much and she'd passed out and now was suffering from delirium. It was the only plausible explanation. Or at least the only explanation Alex was willing to believe in.

After more minutes slowly passed her by however, it became apparent that whatever this new form her nightmare had taken, it wasn't just going to disappear any time soon.

Gathering her courage, she dragged herself to her feet, stumbling slightly toward the glass panel that until now had always remained closed. _But for the entrance of my torturer of course_. The mere thought of it made her peek around the corner of the doorframe, seeing the outside of her cell for the first time. It was even less pleasant than the inside. The structure was all glass and metal, thin corridors coated in blood. Fresh blood. She shuddered involuntarily.

Quickly retracting her head from the doorway, she rested back against the cool steel wall of her cell, slipping her eyes shut for a moment to focus on breathing; so much was going through her mind that she became worried she'd forget even that soon. For a moment, she mused that perhaps that wouldn't have been so bad.

_No. I'm not letting this place beat me. _

Resolute, she stepped out into the blood-stained corridor with a renewed sense of determination picking a direction and beginning her trek throughout the abandoned compound, unfamiliar and daunting as it was. There were more cells along each corridor, some with dried blood and signs of battle, others with broken bodies.

Terror gripped her heart once again, looking into the lifeless eyes of a man in red prison uniform… her uniform. Blood pooled around his body, from what looked like major gun-shot wounds to the chest.

The further she walked the more of it she saw. Prisoners dead everywhere, with the occasional body of what could only be a guard, decked in blue armour. The same blue armour the monster that had attacked her had worn, beating her in her cell. And monster was certainly the right word. Some of the guards looked strange, the shapes and structures of the body beneath not looking entirely… human. _Don't be ridiculous! _Alex reprimanded herself silently, concluding that the pressure of this impossible illusion was getting to her.

"Stop right th- Aagh!"

Alex snapped her attention to the glass walls of the corridor she was in, looking below for the source of the scream. Beneath was a vast expanse of destruction, fire raining down from broken platforms and machinery, bodies littering the concrete in a patchwork art of red and blue. Alex watched, mesmerised as a team of three, battled their way through the area, all in their path falling to the ground in a hail of gunfire, or suddenly being lifted from their feet and flung into the air by nothing at all.

_I am so definitely insane._

The team soon disappeared across the other side of the courtyard, and the compound seemed dead once again. It was empty but for the bodies strewn about the place, leaving Alex alone to amble around the facility in confusion, with no real destination at all. She needed to find someone to help her, but with all that she had seen, she was unsure that having anyone find her at all would be a good thing. So far, it seemed like for everyone else, it had been the fastest way to end up dead.

She forced down the panic that threatened to strangle her in that moment, running on the pure adrenaline that coursed through her veins and hoping it would last until she could find a way out of this hellhole nightmare and back home.

Concentrating simply on putting one foot in front of the other, she attempted to block out everything else; the growing sounds of gunfire and agony, of anger and threats, all the while desperately hoping that she wouldn't end up caught in the crossfire.

Almost as soon as the hope entered her heart, it was crushed by the sound of nearing footsteps.

She turned just in time to see the blue of a guard's uniform, terror taking a vice like grip in her heart, unrelenting in its application of force. As soon as he saw her, his shotgun was un-holstered from his back and aimed directly at her chest.

"Please…" Her throat was dry; the word came out broken and mumbled. She began to backtrack fiercely, stepping back one foot at a time until her heel connected with something, sending her flying over onto her back. Just in time it appeared, as a shot rang out above her head. The guard soon re-established his aim on her, slumped on the ground against the body she had tripped over. Ironic, as the same body that had saved her life seconds before, was to be her sole companion in death. Even more ironic was the fact that he was a guard too - or at least had been before his recent demise – and would have killed her himself had he been given the chance.

That chore however had been handed over to the man above her now, drawing in like the monster from her nightmare. For all she knew, it could have been the same man, helmeted as he was. _How poetic._ _It's only right he be the one to finish the job after so long._

She turned her head to the side, ready to die as the coward who was unwilling to look down the barrel of the gun. Her cowardice however, seemed to be her saviour, for it was in that moment she spotted the dropped pistol to her left, and it was that same moment her body sprung into motion.

Before she knew what she was doing, she leapt to the side, diving for the pistol and kicking the shotgun from the guard's grasp in one fluid motion. Another loud shot rang out, the guard's blast grazing the ceiling just as Alex's hand gripped the pistol. Rolling forward with the gun in her grasp, she spun and instinctively pulled the trigger, landing a series of several loud shots straight through the glass of his helmet.

He dropped to the floor, and everything was silent.

If she had been able to think in that moment, she would've said something 'quippy' and clever, like '_bullseye' _…or something less completely moronic. Thoughts however, seemed to have abandoned her as she stared in disbelief at the dead guard before her, the man she had just killed.

She dropped the gun like it was poison, staring at her hands in horror. A small part of her was dismayed by the fact that she had just taken a life, while the majority of her brain was completely astounded by how natural it had been. It wasn't humanly possible. She had no training, no magic wand or genie's wish. No help or thought or experience. There was no explanation for how she could possibly have just ninja kicked a gun, mid forward roll before turning and executed a string of perfect headshots all in the space of a few seconds. _Except that I'm insane, and all of this is a dream._

"Impressive."

Alex whirled round instantly, eyes wide as she came face to face with three more guns aimed in her direction. She recognised them immediately as the group she had seen tearing through the facility earlier - '_with guns and magic'_ she mused - with the addition of a rather irritated looking bald woman, tattoos canvasing her entire body. Alex raised her hands in surrender; the constant fear that had been stemming from her insides now had solid icy tendrils firmly rooted throughout her body, snaking all around her chest. The leader of the group, distinctly female through her grey and red armour released a brief chuckle, distorted from beneath her helmet.

"Surrendering are you? The guy before me fell for that one too." All three guns remained trained on her, unwavering and precise. Alex swallowed nervously.

"Please, I just want to go home. I'm not even supposed to be here."

"Don't listen to her Shepard. If she's a prisoner here, it's for a reason. You saw yourself what she can do." Another woman in a skin tight cat suit added coolly in an Australian accent, icy blue eyes never leaving her for a second.

_Shepard?_ The familiar whisper made Alex's brows rise in shock. She shook her head at just another thing that didn't make any sense. How could she have heard that before? Her head felt ready to explode, eyes already watering with unshed tears of frustration. As the tiny droplet made its way down her cheek, the leader softened, gun lowering slightly.

"What a fucking pussy!" The bald headed woman spat, whether at the woman in grey, or herself Alex wasn't quite sure, nor did she really care. She was sick of this entire ordeal. It was bad enough having the haunting nightmares, but to actually be stuck in one, so very real with so many things that didn't add up was becoming far too much to cope with.

"What do you mean you don't belong here?"

"Shepard you can't seriously be-" The woman in the cat suit interjected, but was abruptly cut off by the mysterious Shepard.

"I'm sorry, are you the commanding officer here Miss Lawson? Have I been sleeping in the wrong suite? Cause I sure as hell don't remember seeing any of those skanky cat suits in the wardrobe selection of the _captain's_ cabin."

The dark skinned man who had been silent up until that point almost choked on his tongue at his captain's words, while the bald woman openly guffawed. Lawson however appeared much less entertained; wearing an expression so cold Alex actually believed it could turn people to stone.

Shepard was unaffected however, turning back to Alex with what could only be described as glee. You could almost see the grin forming beneath the helmet.

"I'll ask again, hopefully without being so rudely interrupted this time…" She spared a glance at the Australian, who was positively fuming silently behind her.

"So, you're not supposed to be here. What does that mean?"

Alex found herself swallowing nervously once again. Even she didn't really know what she meant, but her answer could determine whether she lived or died.

"I… I don't know. I don't know how I got here. I don't remember. I'm still trying to figure all of this out myself. I swear, that thing before: even I didn't know I could do that."

Shepard stayed silent for a moment, emotions hidden behind her helmet, before shrugging and lowering her weapon completely.

"I suppose that explains the constipated look on your face after it happened."

Alex was unsure whether to be relieved because she had believed her, or offended about the constipation comment. Considering the gun had been lowered, and the others had followed suit, she supposed she should err on the side of relief.

"Shepard, you really think we can trust her?" The man asked cautiously.

"Maybe. If not, I'm pretty sure we can handle it, but as is, I'm not prepared to leave a potentially innocent woman on a prison ship about to go down in flames." Shepard said nonchalantly, before turning back to Alex and reaching for the clasps on her helmet.

"Well, if we're going to be travelling together, I suppose we should be formally acquainted."

The helmet slid off, revealing an utterly gorgeous redheaded Goddess...

…A very familiar redheaded Goddess, with green eyes.

"I'm Commander Victoria Shepard. A pleasure, I'm sure." She winked.

And Alex passed out.


	2. Remembering To Forget

**2: Remembering To Forget**

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Victoria Shepard examined the unconscious woman with curious green eyes, ignoring the repeated admonishments of her second in command completely. She'd already suffered through the same tirade for what felt close to a hundred times since re-boarding the Normandy with a person more than anticipated.

Doctor Chakwas had been very thorough in her examination of the patient, administering a sedative so she could treat her injuries effectively. It seemed that the bruising and cuts on her face had only been the beginning of the story; similar wounds marred her skin so effectively that it seemed the majority of her body was a dark shaded plumb in colour, only separated every so often by jagged pink scars or open, red lacerations.

Despite her beaten and bloody appearance, something about the girls face seemed so familiar to Shepard, reminding her of a long forgotten innocence she once vaguely remembered possessing herself. She'd shed herself of that rather quickly during her time in the Tenth Street Reds; the work they did seemed to do that to people, strip them of their naivety and turn them into ruthless cynics. But they also made survivors, and if there was one thing Shepard owed the Reds, it was that.

"Shepard are you even listening to me?"

"That depends. Are you referring to the first hundred times you started this rant, or the most recent?" Shepard eyed the raven haired woman pointedly with an innocent smile on her face, which only served to sour Miranda's mood even further.

"Commander, regardless of your personal feelings towards me, you know as well as I that I was put here because I'm good at what I do and-"

"Really? And here I thought you were '_put here' _for the sole purpose of annoying me." Shepard interjected with another sickeningly sweet smile.

Miranda sighed, before ignoring Shepard's dig and continuing. "…I was put here because I am good at my job and as your XO, I wouldn't be performing my job if I didn't point out when you're being bloody well reckless. We have no idea who this woman is and know next to nothing about her except that she is an extremely dangerous criminal and potentially a psychopath. And as if that wasn't enough, our medical examination clearly showed excessive and addictive use of narcotics and hallucinogens. She's completely unstable and-"

"So I was just supposed to leave her to die?"

Green eyes bore into blue, searching for any sign of humanity in their depths. All they found was ice.

"Yes." Miranda didn't even hesitate with her answer, as cold and detached talking about throwing away someone's life as one might be discussing the weather. Shepard ground her teeth in disgust.

They'd already been through this cycle a thousand times since first meeting, Shepard consistently searching for some kind of warmth or normalcy from the other woman, only to be presented with a harsh reality of robotic 'perfection', without feeling or sentiment. Most prominently in Shepard's mind was their conversation before Freedom's Progress regarding the Cerberus Operative's rather blunt remark about her wish to implement a control chip.

She could remember Miranda's feeble excuses, explained with such authority and certainty that Shepard could truly see the passionate belief the Operative held regarding Cerberus. It was as if she couldn't even see just how wrong her logic was, twisting it until the abhorrent seemed positively just.

"_We spent far too much time and money bringing you back to risk it all and the fate of the galaxy on the hopes that you might help us. Based on your past meetings with our organisation I'd say it's not all that unreasonable that we should have some kind of guarantee in place."_

Shepard had regarded her with complete disbelief, unable to understand how someone so intelligent and dedicated to humanity could have gotten it so wrong, could have become so vile.

"_You wanted to control me like some kind of slave? Like a pet you could get to bow and fetch whenever you felt like it? That's sick!"_ She had spat in rage, feeling the small scars in her skin aggravate into a searing heat that matched her fury. Just who did this woman think she was?

"_This is no time for weakness Shepard. You of all people should know what we're up against – we cannot afford loose cannons or hero complexes to get in the way when humanity is at stake." _

"_Humanity? Sounds like a novel concept for someone like you."_

"_Whether you agree or not Shepard, humanity is exactly what we're fighting for. Not just against the collectors, but the reapers are out there too, an evil that threatens the entire galaxy." _Miranda had simply matched Shepard's own fire with an icy winter's breeze swirling within her intense gaze. It seemed for a moment that they had reached an impasse, a hateful glare pitted against a fierce, disapproving mask. But Victoria Shepard had never been one to be beaten.

"_Yeah, an enemy that indoctrinates their victims, strips them of their free will and turns them into mindless puppets. You're right Lawson, they sure seem evil to me." _

From that moment on, it seemed their working relationship had only gotten worse, continually sniping at each other whenever they were in the same room. It didn't particularly surprise Shepard if she was honest; it wasn't as if she had ever expected to get along with Cerberus in the first place. The only strange part was how very different Operative Lawson was in contrast to her colleague Jacob Taylor. Almost at once, Victoria and Jacob had struck up a rather tentative friendship, with the Commander impressed by the sincerity the Officer approached those he worked with, and the caution with which he regarded his admittedly rather shady employers. It was a far cry from Miranda's zealous ideology.

In actual fact, it appeared that all the Cerberus crewmen aboard the ship were a great deal more amiable than Shepard had ever expected, though she had no doubt that that was less of a coincidence than it may have first appeared. No doubt the Illusive man had thought it a good idea to present his newest asset with as comfortable a setting as possible, which meant less Cerberus fanaticism, and more 'get-the-job-done-and-spill-drinks-after' types like Kenneth and Gabby.

She still didn't trust Kelly though. She smiled far too much than any person should ever have right too. Or perhaps that was just her cynicism talking again; Shepard had found it seeped through her consciousness at the most arbitrary of moments.

"Shepard this is serious." Miranda's voice cut through Shepard's thoughts once again, drawing her back to reality.

The Commander regarded the woman with an expression of annoyance, before sighing and resigning herself to actually attempting to listen without having the urge to throttle her. The moment she began speaking however, she found that it was a great deal easier thought than done.

"We went to Purgatory to acquire Subject Zero alone, which is already one psychopath too much if you ask me, but if she can be controlled and she is kept as far away from me as possible then she could well be of some use. This stray you picked up however, is a complete unknown element and potentially lethal. The fate of humanity rests on this mission Shepard; we can't afford to be side-tracked by your curiosity!"

"Why not? Curiosity only kills cats, not people."

Miranda's face remained unchanged.

"Oh come on, do you ever smile? Or has all that cosmetic surgery rendered your facial muscles paralysed."

Not even a twitch.

"Seriously? Nothing? Damn, you're like a robot or something. Fine, as your Commanding Officer I will take your worry into consideration… and completely overrule it. I'm not dropping her out of the airlock just because you hate feeling like you don't have control over something because as it turns out Miss Lawson, you can't control everything, especially people…" She may or may not have still been a little sore over the control chip fiasco. "…so if that's all, I'd appreciate if you would return to your more pressing matters like residing over the Cerberus fan club, or straightening your hair. I promise I'll take full responsibility if she wakes up and tries to kill us all in our sleep okay?"

"I wouldn't do that."

The two women swung round instantly at the sound of a new voice, broken and weak.

Sitting on the med bay bed, the bruised stranger looked remarkably young, though she couldn't have been more than two years Shepard's junior. It was mostly the innocence in her eyes, the same innocence that had made Victoria trust her back on Purgatory. Of course, Miranda was less believing.

"I'm sure. A psychopathic killer with a drug habit? You were likely in that prison due to an error in the paperwork."

Shepard raised her brows at the Operative in surprise.

"Was that a joke? Can you actually do that?" She queried, straight faced.

For a moment it seemed as if Miranda was going to ignore her and return to her stony silence, until she spared a brief sideward glance toward the redhead.

"Occasionally." She answered, her lips curling upwards the slightest fraction at the corners.

"The delivery could use some work." Shepard grinned when Miranda huffed exasperatedly with a roll of the eyes, her sour expression returning. It did nothing to hide the revelation that Miranda Lawson actually had a funny bone somewhere in her body. It was also very possible to get under her skin. Victoria latched onto this new piece of information for future reference before returning her attention towards the confused expression painted beneath the bruises and cuts of their spectator.

"A Prison?" She paused. "Makes sense I suppose. But I have no idea how I got there. I don't even know how I got here."

"You fainted, so we-"

"No, I mean… it doesn't matter." It looked as if she wanted to say more, but she quickly thought better of it and diverted her eyes to the floor, wringing her hands nervously.

Shepard felt rather vindicated; this woman certainly didn't appear to be some kind of psychopath, though she did have to consider that perhaps the reason she couldn't remember was because she was so high at the time. Or that she happened to be a very good liar.

"What's your name?" Shepard asked.

"You seem so different." The woman evaded, tilting her head as if to get a better angle of view. Her gaze uncomforted the Commander, filled with awe and something so familiar that she couldn't quite place. The woman's voice sent cold shivers down her spine. She was missing something.

"You know me?"

"You look the same - your eyes, your hair – but there's something different. It's strange."

"Who are you?" Shepard eyed her suspiciously, her voice more forceful. It seemed to make the woman smile a familiar smile, scratching at the Commander's subconscious as if trying to break free. She knew that smile. She knew it well.

"You used to have scars. There was one there, across your cheek. You got it in a fight, I think. Probably being stubborn about something and-"

"Alex?" Shepard stared, unbelieving. It couldn't be, she was sure. She would have recognised her at once. This woman was nothing like the Alexandria Keane she had left on Earth as a teenager. The energetic, fresh faced youth, albeit as jaded as any other orphaned kid living on the streets was a far cry away from the scarred junkie across from her, the trained killer.

But of course, Shepard was thinking of the extremely young Alexandria Keane. Not the woman she had become in her later teens; the woman who had become ensnared by the world of red sand and creeper and everything in between; the woman who had become a puppet to the Reds, completely incapable of breaking their hook on her. The woman Shepard had left behind when she joined the Alliance and never looked back.

And this is what she had become.

"You know this woman?" Miranda asked.

"I used to."

All the while, this stranger wearing Alex's smile seemed to leap into life, eyes alight with something akin to hope burning in their grey midst.

"You recognise me? You know who I am? Maybe this is real!" She muttered, before rushing forward toward the Commander, hunched forward to whisper conspiratorially in her ear.

"Where the fuck are we Tori? What's going on? I remember running and then, nothing. I wake up to gunfire and explosions and I have no idea how I even got here or what here is, or… God I was so sure I was going crazy." She exhaled in what seemed like relief, a small smile on her face. The hope never disappeared either, only intensifying in her gaze.

Shepard looked at Miranda and could see exactly what she was thinking. She knew, because she wasn't too sure it wasn't the truth herself.

_Maybe she is crazy._

Then again, Miranda could have just as easily been thinking '_Tori?'_ which once again Shepard would have likely agreed on. No-one called her Tori. Not anymore.

Grey eyes darted each and every way, taking in every little detail of the med-bay with ever growing confusion before returning to Shepard, expectant of an answer. Instead, Shepard just stared back, taking in the other woman's face for the first time in over a decade.

Her hair was the same dirty blonde colour it had always been, but was cut far shorter than she could ever remember, falling just below her chin, stringy and mussed, while the familiar grey eyes Shepard recalled so vividly were ringed with a deep purple. They looked haunted, their sockets as sunken and fragile as the rest of her face. Even her smile was cracked and broken. She looked like a ghost.

She almost was. A ghost of Shepard's own past.

"I'm sorry." Victoria whispered, barely audible even in the silence of the wordless room.

This wasn't her fault, she knew. Even so, she found it impossible to shake the plague of guilt that had begun clawing at her insides.

Before anyone could say anything else, their silence was interrupted by Doctor Chakwas returning from her lunch, engaged in a rather spirited debate with Garrus over Turian reach versus Human flexibility. Shepard was halfway through a roll of the eyes and opening her mouth for a teasing admonishment when an ear-splitting scream shook the room with terror.

Four pairs of eyes turned to the source, which was now pressed against the back wall of the room, eyes wide with horror. Alex shook visibly, never parting her gaze from a rather bewildered looking Turian.

"What - The HELL - Is that? What the fuck is going on!"

Garrus' mandibles twitched.

"That's not usually the reaction I get from women. Shepard, be honest, is it the scars? I thought women liked scars."

Shepard ignored his jest, unable to understand her old friend's reaction. The only conclusion she could draw was that the Red's had poisoned her mind more than she had ever thought possible, or the drugs had done even worse.

"Garrus, perhaps it would be best if you returned to your calibrations." Chakwas offered, gently ushering him out of the room.

"Yeah, yeah. Like the calibration jokes are never going to get old." He muttered, but complied anyway, sparing a glance backward at the grey eyes that remained fixed upon his back before the doors closed behind him.

Alex didn't seem to relax all that much at his absence however, instead turning her petrified gaze to the remaining three women in the room, backing off instantly when Chakwas attempted to near her.

"That… it was like those things in the prison, the guards. They always wore helmets, but their shape… it wasn't human. They were monsters, like him." Her expression was almost accusing as her scrutiny returned to Shepard, eyes cutting through her flesh and searing her soul with guilt.

_This is my fault. I never should have left._

"Tori, what is going on? Where am I, and what was that thing? I need answers God Damnit!"

"Me? I'm not the one ranting and raving at the top of my voice about monsters as if you've never seen a Turian before." She sighed in frustration, attempting to calm herself. "Okay, answers. We're on a mission to stop the Collectors from abducting human colonies, currently aboard the SSV Normandy in the Hourglass Nebula. And 'that' was Garrus, who I'm guessing would rather not be called 'that'; he's an ugly son of a bitch but he's under the impression he's a total stud, so I usually don't like to burst his bubble."

"Remind me to tell him you said that." Chakwas snorted and Shepard cursed under her breath. She'd forgotten; Karin Chakwas was secretly evil.

"I'm serious Tori, now is not the time to be joking with me!" Alex sniped.

"Would you stop calling me that? And this is no joke. What the hell is the matter with you?"

Alex's face was twisted with fury, eyes that had once been alight with hope instead searing with frustration. Her lips contorted into a bitter smile.

"Right, right, of course. How could I be so stupid? We're in space and that thing was an alien. Sure, I can't believe I didn't see it before!"

For a moment, Shepard was about to sigh in relief that she'd finally gotten through to her. For a brief moment. Then she realised that the other woman's tone was seeping with sarcasm, practically dripping like poison from the edge of her every word. The bitter irony was painted on her face like a mask that hid the truth from her own eyes. Shepard suddenly realised the gravity of the situation.

"You really don't believe that do you?"

"Of course I don't fucking believe it! Space? Really Tori? That's the best you've got? I'm surprised we haven't met Luke fucking Skywalker yet!"

Miranda sighed, rubbing at her forehead with unmistakable irritation.

"Wonderful. I never thought I'd say this Shepard, but she's worse than Jack. What is she talking about?"

"Star Wars, 20th century. She's a history buff." Shepard whispered back sheepishly. It did seem that this was certainly going far worse than she had expected, not that she would ever admit that to the Cerberus Operative.

Miranda raised a brow. "Of old science fiction movies?"

"She's a nerdy history buff." Shepard sighed, deciding to try a different tack with Alex. "Okay think back. What happened to you after I joined the Alliance?"

"What is that, some kind of shadowy space gang or something? This is insane. I was running, then you started shouting and I fainted. That's it, that's all I remember. Then I woke up in some wicked crazy prison that I've seen a thousand times in my worst nightmares and you just happen to be there, and then I fainted again. And no, I really don't know why I've been doing that so much lately, but I think it's probably something to do with the fact that I am losing my fucking mind!" Once the rant was out of her system, she visibly deflated.

She looked up at them with a broken expression, all the anger drained from her bones. "I just wanna go home." Her eyes met Shepard's. "Where's Nathan?"

Shepard froze.

This was far worse than she had ever imagined.

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

The muffled angered shouts from the other side of the door had fallen silent after a while. It didn't matter to Shepard. She hadn't heard them anyway, lost in her memories the moment that name had slipped from the other woman's lips. After a few moments of silent shock, then practically racing out of the door, the Commander sat as stone in the Mess Hall, staring blankly.

Miranda and Chakwas stood over her, their mouths moving but the sound subdued by the ringing and screams in her head. It took her far back.

Gunfire and chaos had reigned in the under-city of New Sylan, the broken city slums that nobody cared for. The dark places where kids could live and die on the street and nobody would even notice.

Every city had them, but New Sylan was diseased in the worst possible way. Built atop the ruins of Eastern Massachusetts after the Great War of 2079, New Sylan became a beacon of hope and inspiration for humanity, growing and living and shining in the face of adversity. It united a whole nation, rebuilding after such tragedy and loss.

But that was only the parts that people were allowed to see.

As the city grew and technology advanced, the buildings got higher, the population denser and the poverty spilled out onto the streets, separated from the rich by hundreds of feet of cold hard metal, their penthouses seeming to brush the clouds to the people below.

Never had the gap between rich and poor been quite so large or literal as in New Sylan.

It only got worse when the levels were created, concrete built around the towers so far up, blotting out the sky completely in some areas for those at the bottom. Darkness became a way of life for the poor of what soon became known as the under-city, urban decay and gang crime plaguing the dim-lit streets.

Those streets had been home to her once, left only to dream about the upper city, with their blue sky and their hovercrafts darting overhead. It had been home to them all, her and Alex… and Nathan.

And they'd left their mark; scars and tattoos and memories that would never disappear, and nightmares to retake the place of where her friend should have been. Even the colour of her hair was a product of her time in the Red's, the ones who'd saved her. As much as she regretted the things she'd done as an angry teenager in the upper echelons of their ranks, she would forever be grateful to them for teaching her about the world, for teaching her how to endure.

If it wasn't for the Red's, she never would have learned to fire a gun, or defend herself. She never would have learned to lead. She wouldn't have known how to look out for yourself above all others if you wanted to survive. It was that that had allowed her to make it out of Akuze alive and only that; self-preservation. In the end, none of the heroics she'd aspired to, or the intelligent thought and teamwork the military had taught her had meant anything in the face of those Maws.

Fifty dead, and she'd just kept running. Running, dodging, falling and dragging herself toward the extraction point, with the screams of her friends echoing in her ears. They hadn't run fast enough. They'd stopped to think, to fight, and to help. Their desire to aid their friends had outweighed their own survival instinct and it had gotten them killed.

Shepard had never had that problem. And it was all down to the Reds.

They'd saved her.

But eventually she had begun to question herself, to question her beliefs. She wanted Alex to come with her, to leave Earth and never look back. They would have taken the Alliance by storm. But Alex had been a different person towards the end, living only for her next fix. The Red's controlled her with it, had their hooks in so deep that Shepard had abandoned her to them.

Self-preservation.

She couldn't live a single more day under the Red's banner, so she had left her friend to fend for herself in order to save her own skin.

Joining the alliance had meant a real education, warm beds and strict rules. All things Shepard wasn't used to, but it soon had stuck. Her accent faded, her swearing declined and she eventually stopped vandalising her uniform. She even began wearing her hair in a braid and using big words she'd learned through reading, and reading often, about anything and everything.

It was like some kind of parallel dimension, and she seemed a completely different person.

But the scars remained, as did the memories and the lessons she'd learned. And unfortunately for her superior officers, a great deal of the attitude.

Regardless, leaving Earth had been the best decision she'd ever made.

Only then, in that Mess Hall with her head in her hands, and her old best friend, insane and confused in the next room did she ever think that perhaps it had been the wrong thing to do.

A hand placed on her shoulder shook her from her thoughts, snapping her into the present.

"Shepard, are you alright?" Chakwas asked.

The redhead looked up at the two women above her, Miranda's half intrigued, half annoyed expression a stark contrast to the concerned expression on the Doctor's face.

"It's cool, I'm good."

"Wonderful. Then you're willing to explain what just happened in there?" The Cerberus Operative folded her arms across her chest, brows arched coldly.

Shepard half wanted to exclaim 'none of your business' with a possible 'bitch' added on the end for emphasis before running again, but the expectant look Chakwas was giving her made her sigh and relent.

"Nathan was Alex's brother."

"Was?"

"Yeah, was. As in, not anymore." Shepard snapped back at Miranda. "He's dead. He died a long time ago, back on Earth." Shepard sighed once again, resting her head back in her hands.

"And she doesn't know?"

Shepard laughed bitterly, shaking her head just wishing it were that simple.

"That's the crazy part. Alex was _there_."


	3. Some Kind Of Hate

**3: Some Kind Of Hate**

* * *

**.**

Shepard was all too aware of the sharp click of Miranda's heels sounding consistently behind her. Every single one that sounded grated more and more on her nerves until she was just about ready to pull the shotgun off her back and make a large hole in Operative's pretty little face. It was times like this that she wondered what on earth she was thinking bringing Miranda on her team every time she went out. By now it was automatic, stopping by the Cerberus woman's door and telling her to gear up before she even thought about it.

The unfortunate fact was, they worked well together - at least when words weren't involved.

Shepard grumbled, restraining her hands and focusing on their run-down surroundings with great effort. In truth, if she were to be fair, she would admit that Miranda wasn't actually the fault for the current negativity of her mood. Ever since the group had left the Normandy, Victoria's thoughts had been clouded by the worry of leaving her friend behind on the ship without her, surrounded by strangers and confounded by delusion.

It was because of this, that she found herself grinding her teeth in irritation over just about every little thing that anyone did. Though mostly, her anger was directed at Miranda, and more specifically, the click, click, click of those infuriating heels.

"Who the hell wears heels on a mission anyway? How can you even fight in those?" She spat suddenly, though unable to take the other woman by surprise. Miranda simply arched one of her perfect brows and spouted what she undoubtedly thought was a perfectly logical argument about how somebody so perfect could fight in anything.

At least that was how it translated in Shepard's mind.

More accurately, she stated: "If you really must know, it happens that I am perfectly capable of fighting in my current attire and have done so my entire Cerberus career with no cause for concern. Just because you don't possess the same skill set is no reason to believe it's impossible Shepard."

As the other woman used the word 'perfectly', Shepard felt completely vindicated in her previous assessment of the Operative's reply, and continued to seethe.

"Well you look stupid." She muttered petulantly.

"Really? That's not the impression I got from the way your eyes always linger on my back." Miranda smiled haughtily.

"Oh that's mostly because I just can't believe anyone would wear that outfit into battle." Victoria smirked back.

"Mostly?"

And just like that, the Operative won, wearing a superior and arrogant smirk making Shepard snarl angrily.

Miranda just rolled her eyes and Shepard wanted to punch her. She hated losing, and though she was very aware she was just being childish, it didn't stop her from leaving her leg out for Miranda to trip over just seconds later. Upon receiving a viciously icy glare from the woman, Shepard simply feigned innocence and blamed it on the heels she'd warned her about.

The rest of the journey towards Okeer continued in stormy silence, with Garrus amused, but far too smart to actually voice it. He enjoyed his face arranged exactly the way it was, handsome and void of bullet holes. Thankfully however, Shepard's aggravation had eventually transferred from her XO to the screeching voice that continually sounded over loudspeaker and the tension between the group was lifted. Slightly.

Instead, they had to suffer Shepard's persistent outbursts of rage directed at thin air, cursing the woman and her stupid loudspeakers and vowing that she would personally rip the evil woman apart in the most painful way possible if it was the last thing she did. Suffice to say, the atmosphere wasn't all that much more comfortable regardless.

"There are three of them. Three! Anything can be killed if you do your damned job!"

"I'd like to see her say that to my face, the stupid- Ugh, I'm so gonna rip her heart out!" Shepard roared, standing to send a shockwave into the heart of the enemy group. A warp followed, and a few seconds later an area reave that enveloped the whole space in biotics, committed all as the redhead was angrily stomping towards her targets, jaw clenched tight.

"Shepard get the bloody hell back into cover now!"

Victoria ignored the Operatives scolding, barely hearing it over her own frustrated grumbling.

"Stupid loudspeakers. I'll show her doing your damned job."

Then she charged, and all hell broke loose.

"Damnit!" Both Miranda and Garrus raced forward, only to be knocked back by a large biotic explosion that enveloped their surroundings in a brilliant blue. It swirled brightly, with Shepard in its centre, before dissipating slowly to reveal the redhead with an impossible number of bodies by her feet as the last woman standing. The last _man_ however, was in cover behind her, grasping his shotgun tightly.

Garrus and Miranda clambered to their feet, but not before the blast rang out.

Silence followed, Shepard still standing perfectly motionless, as if the shot hadn't been fired at all. Her back was still to the man, who was beginning to shake in fear. His hands fumbled with his gun, attempting to fire again but only an empty clicking replied.

Slowly, Shepard turned, giving the man the iciest of looks that even Miranda herself was impressed by, and his panic truly begun.

He trembled, hastily attempting to reload the gun but it was out of his hands before he could even eject his thermal clip. Her charge had been instantaneous, one second she was metres away, the next the impact had knocked all the oxygen from his lungs and her hand had been wrapped around his throat.

"Oh God." He croaked, his feet dangling above the ground as she walked him towards the edge of the platform, and for a second, as he hung hundreds of feet above thin air he thought to beg for his life. A second later, her grip loosened, and he thought nothing at all.

Garrus approached, a mandible twitching as he peered over the precipice with a low whistle.

"Damn Shepard, you really don't like loudspeakers do you? Remind me to warn Joker when we get back to the Normandy." He eyed Shepard, her lithe form shaking, chest heaving deep breaths. Whether from the expenditure of energy or the adrenaline he wasn't sure, but he was relieved all the same when she cracked her trademark smirk.

It disappeared however when Miranda reached them, with her own trademark scowl.

"What the hell where you thinking? I did not spend two years rebuilding you just for you to go and get yourself killed doing something so stupid as throwing a tantrum on the battlefield."

"It wasn't a tantrum, it was a mild sulk. Besides, it got the job done didn't it?"

Miranda continued to glare.

"Oh relax would you, the impact was absorbed by my barriers." Her words may well have been convincing if it weren't for the wince that followed as she stretched to look at her back.

"Well, most of it anyway." She grumbled, making Miranda huff out an exasperated breath before storming off ahead. And with that, the uncomfortable silence returned, made even worse by the occasional stifled gasp of pain from Victoria as she half limped behind the Operative. All the while, she muttered to herself under her breath bitterly about overly sensitive Cerberus Operatives and insubordination.

Garrus' eyes flickered between the two silently, observing the mechanics of their working relationship with a certain awe. Briefly, he tried to recall whether he had ever seen two people hate each other so vehemently while respecting the other's abilities so deeply. They had to, to continue working together, but it was a tense situation at the least. They were complete opposites in many ways, with Shepard's long, fiery red hair reflecting her nature perfectly, and dark, heavy lashes seductively welcoming. Miranda in contrast was elegantly flawless, with eyes like ice and a temperament to match.

And when they came together…

The old adage of an unstoppable force against an immovable object had never been more accurate in describing the way those two women collided.

Garrus hoped he'd be there – at a considerably safe distance away – to see the day they really went head to head. He'd bring Turian candy for the show… And possibly a riot shield. Either way, he'd put his credits on Shepard every time.

Although, as she walked then, still mumbling avidly to herself, the Turian had to consider that perhaps Miranda wasn't such a crazy bet after all. He did concede however that the redhead had a great deal on her mind recently. A great deal that had left him completely clueless.

"So, that girl… she's not all that fond of Turians I take it?" He queried quietly, falling in beside Shepard and snapping her from her rambling.

"Alex? Nah she loves Turians, it was _your_ ugly face that scared her."

"Please, you're just jealous that I get all the attention from women."

Shepard chuckled. "If that's the kind of attention you get, I'm fine without it."

An easy atmosphere washed over them as they fell into their familiar and comfortable routine as if they had never been apart, their banter continuing even overtop the sounds of battle and gunfire.

The two of them were like family, albeit a strange and diverse kind of family, but family all the same. Though it hadn't always been that way; upon first meeting, Shepard had been less than cordial with most of her alien crew members - never particularly hostile or xenophobic, but never trusting, and certainly never kind. She tolerated them, but always kept a watchful eye. After a childhood in the Reds and never much contact with aliens even in her time with the Alliance, it was a miracle that she had warmed up to her crewmates at all, let alone coming to see them as family.

Garrus had asked her about it once during card night. She simply replied that she didn't actually like them at all, but spending time with a bunch of aliens was at least better than listening to Ashley's poems.

If Williams had been there to hear the insult, she would have undoubtedly thrown a card or two at Shepard's face and they all would have laughed as Victoria grinned devilishly at the woman, leaning in and planting kisses on the playfully reluctant marine as she half-heartedly pushed her away. As it was, Ashley had been awaiting Shepard in her cabin, so the redhead was free to insult her girlfriend as often as she pleased.

Garrus noticed that it was a habit of Shepard's to offend the people she liked, and for a second his gaze flickered to the Cerberus Operative who was busy biotically slamming a mercenary grunt in front of them. Then he shook his head, and passed the thought off as ridiculous.

Finally, they broke through the latest line of defenders with impressive biotic teamwork between Shepard and Miranda, teamwork that seemed impossible anywhere but the battlefield. Garrus brought the last grunt down with a concise sniper bullet to the head.

"Go team badass!" Victoria fist pumped the air, leaving it out for Garrus to bump with his own. Miranda simply rolled her eyes.

"You know, if you keep doing that your eyes are gonna end up stuck that way." Shepard offered helpfully in a sing-song voice as the door before them slid open. Miranda's biting reply however was cut off by a shrill pleading directed at Shepard.

"Shepard, don't shoot! You know me!" An Asari woman slowly raised from her crouching position with her hands up defensively

Shepard scrutinised her closely.

"Lana? No that's not right. It's close though… Shana, Banana…"

"Rana Thanoptis. You let me go when-"

Shepard cut her off dismissively with a wave of the hand.

"Yeah I know - when I blew up Saren's lab. I'd kinda been hoping that you would've gotten caught up in that boom to be honest, but since you didn't… What the hell are you doing here?" Her query was edged with a certain menace, and Rana was under no doubt that the wrong answer could result in her head being blown off, or being blown up of course, in some sort of fated and ironic tragedy.

"Don't worry. I'm not wasting the second chance you gave me. My work here - strictly beneficial. Not for the mercs. Jedore's on a standard power trip. But Okeer is trying to do something good, I can tell. Even if his methods are a little extreme."

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh.

"God, you sound like Miranda…"

Though the Operative in question shot the Commander a by now all too familiar glare, Rana continued as if she hadn't heard.

"Everyone deserves a second chance. Right? And sometimes giving one pays off. I take care of my debts."

"A second chance maybe, but a third? I'm not so sure. You being here with these mercs and a bunch of dead bodies surrounding you isn't doing anything to stay my itchy trigger finger." She twitched the hand that was holding her pistol for emphasis, and it had the instant desired effect.

"Oh God please, I haven't done anything wrong! I was trying to help!"

"I suggest you go help somewhere else, and soon. I can't keep my hand still forever…"

Rana Thanoptis had been out of the door before Shepard had even completed the sentence, a horrified expression on her face. Victoria just chuckled heartily.

"Ah, you'd think that would get old."

"You know Shepard, you enjoy these things far too much." Her Turian brother added with a shake of the head, unable to hide his amusement. The Commander nodded in agreement with another laugh, before unlocking the door to the next room.

A weathered looking Krogan stood by a terminal, wearing a thoughtful expression that Shepard had never seen on one of his species before.

"Here you are! I've watched your progress." He announced, without turning.

"Okeer I presume? Aren't you supposed to be in need of rescuing?"

"The formerly deceased Commander Shepard has not been in the habit of rescuing Krogan in the past, or need I remind you of the events on Virmire."

"Oh here we go with the bomb thing again. You'd think people would stop being so sore about that already." Shepard sighed. Virmire hadn't been the highlight of her life. Losing Kaidan had hit her hard, already tired of abandoning the people she cared about. Until that point, she had been so sure that she had become better than that, better than she was on Earth, better than she was on Akuze. But when it had come down to it, she had still chosen to leave a friend to die.

She needed no-one to remind her of Virmire – it hung in her mind every day.

"On the contrary Shepard, I approve. Saren's pale horde were not true Krogan. Not like the legacy I have created here: a pure soldier. Perfect."

Miranda brow twitched at the Krogan's words. They reminded her too much of her father, so ready to discard anything he viewed as a failure in search of perfection, in search of a legacy. The rest of his words only served to sicken her further – the more he talked, the more she heard her father's voice ringing in her ears until the words jumbled together and all she could hear was Henry Lawson, barking at her to be better, to push harder.

She was broken from her thoughts when a gentle hand was placed on her shoulder. Glancing up, Shepard looked back at her with an unfathomable expression on her face. The shining green of her eyes conveying a kindness and caring that the other woman had never directed anywhere close to her before.

Taken aback, she opened her mouth but no words came, no thanks or appreciation. Just staring, dumbfounded at this complete stranger before her.

She was saved from the moment by the sound of a loud but familiar voice booming through the room, making Shepard's hand instantly tense on the Operative's shoulder.

"Attention! I have traced the Krogan release. Okeer of course."

Shepard moved instantly toward the window to get a closer look at the woman she personally deemed her Arch Nemesis for at least the day.

"That's the loudspeaker woman?" Her voice was filled with venom.

Okeer nodded.

"I'm calling a 'blank slate' on this project. Gas these commandos and start over from Okeer's data. Flush the tanks!" The woman looked up, meeting Shepard's eye as the room began to fill with gas. Victoria didn't flinch at all.

"Commander, you must stop her, my-"

Shepard held up a hand to cut off the Krogan without ever looking up from the gaze of the woman below. Her eyes narrowed perceptively.

"Oh don't worry, she is so going to die."

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXI

"Ugh, I feel like I'm gonna die." The blonde mumbled, allowing herself a sigh of relief when she finally made it to the chair, slumping down into it unceremoniously. All the while, Kelly just smiled her understanding smile, watching the woman with kind eyes.

"I can imagine that this is all very trying for you. You didn't come in here in the best shape, but any friend of Shepard's has got to be tough enough to make it through. You're a very strong woman." The redhead consoled. Alex however looked back at her uneasily. Everyone here was a stranger. Even Tori. In a time and place where she couldn't even trust herself, she certainly couldn't trust anyone else.

Still, she conceded, if she was stuck here – wherever here was, she would have to make the most of it.

"Do we have to do this?" Her grey eyes wandered about the room nervously. She still hadn't even made it out of the med bay, simply having moved into the chairs on the other side of the room with this new woman who refused to stop smiling at her.

"I'm afraid it's the Commander's orders. It won't be so bad. We're just going to be talking. I promise I don't bite." She giggled.

"Fine. Then let's get this over with."

Kelly shuffled the papers in her hands formally, before placing them at her side and crossing her hands over her lap with another friendly beam.

"Why don't you start by telling me a little about yourself?"

"Like?"

"Anything you feel comfortable with sharing. Where you grew up maybe, or how you met Shepard." Her smile never faltered.

Alex hesitated, feeling that all of this was rather pointless, but from the determined kindness in the other woman's eyes, she felt expressing that opinion would be equally ineffectual.

"I grew up with Tori. I've known her for as long as I can remember."

"And where do you live?"

"We share an apartment." She said cautiously, half afraid of her own answers. She felt the need to differentiate between the Victoria Shepard she knew, and the woman that these people she had met called Commander. Doing so however, felt far too strange. She couldn't wrap her head around any of it, so resolved to not even trying. She would say what she knew, nothing more and nothing less.

"Where was the apartment?"

"Boston."

The redhead frowned, Alex's answer obviously having displeased her in some way that the blonde didn't understand. What was wrong with Boston?

"What?"

Kelly was, for once, very speechless. How do you tell someone that everything they believe in is a fantasy? She knew it was dangerous to interfere with a delusion such as this, but Shepard had been quite clear on her job. Figure out what Alex thought was going on and explain the situation to her. If only it was that easy.

"The city of Boston was integrated into the larger city of New Sylan after the Great War. Do you remember that? New Sylan?"

It was then Alex's turn to frown. The Great War? New Sylan? None of it made any sense. She was pretty sure she that knew better than this stranger where she lived, and it certainly wasn't any place called New Sylan.

Kelly watched her closely, distressed to find the lack of recognition on the blonde's face.

"What about when you were younger? What do you remember about your childhood?"

"I don't know. It was good. Tori and I were friends then too." She shrugged.

"What about your parents?"

"They were fine. My childhood was fine. Geez, what is this, twenty questions?" Alex stood, tense and frustrated. She didn't want to be doing this. She didn't want to be here at all.

"You're right. I'm sorry. This must be very difficult for you. But this is all to help understand what's going on-"

"In my head you mean. You all think I'm crazy don't you? Yeah well don't bother, I've considered it myself already." Alex cut her off angrily. She wanted to storm out, but that would mean facing even more people she didn't know in an environment she didn't understand. It all looked so… strange.

"And…"

Alex sighed. "And I'm still not sure." She sat back down , deflated.

"If it helps, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're confused right now, which is understandable. Hopefully if we ask the right questions, we can jog your memory and get you as good as new." Her smile was honest, but Alex knew it was a lie. She had to think she was crazy, at least a little. She let it go though, on account of the other woman trying so hard to comfort her.

"So, my childhood?"

Kelly nodded.

"I remember a big house. White picket fence kinda deal, with a dog and a swing outside. Tori was there all the time. We'd play in the yard, cops and robbers mostly. I was the cop. We've always been close."

"And what do you remember about your parents?" the redhead queried softly.

Alex's brow furrowed.

"They… They were good people. Good parents."

"Do you remember what they looked like?"

The blonde's breathing increased perceptively as she thought harder, her brow scrunched tight as she tried to recall their faces, but everything was blurry. She could see smiles, and grey eyes like hers…

Kelly sensed her distress.

"Do you know if they're still around? When did you move out?"

"I… they were…"

Her frustration was evident, tinged with a growing worry that had wrapped itself around her heart and begun clenching it in a vice-like grip. Her parents were still alive. Right? Suddenly she wasn't so sure. How could she not be sure about that? She remembered her childhood home, and she remembered where she lived now. But there was no transition. No moving out, or her parents coming to visit. They had to have, surely. She must have visited them.

"Alex, what were your parents' names?"

And there it was. The gap in her memory that had never been evident up until that very moment. It was as if her parents had never been there at all. Everything felt like it was unravelling and she had no control over any of it.

"I… I don't know. I can't remember."

Kelly looked as if she had expected the answer, but took no joy from being right. She wore a sorrowful expression as she took the papers she had set down earlier into her hands once again. She looked hesitant, gulping slightly from the hesitation.

"Shepard wanted me to give you these when I thought the time was right. This is every bit of information we could dig up on you. It was hard to track down, but Miranda managed to gather some files. She's good with files."

Alex hardly heard a word she had said. All her attention was focused on the lines of text that filled the pages the redhead had in her hands. She needed to know what they said more than anything in the word, but was so paralysed with fear that she couldn't reach her hand out to take them.

In the end, she didn't have to, with Kelly placing them lightly on her lap.

She glanced at the first page tentatively, allowing her eyes to wander no further than the picture of her own face staring back at her - more weathered and hollow than she remembered – and the first line of writing.

'Name: Alexandria Keane'. That much she knew. That much she was comfortable with. The pages of text that followed however, turned out to be a great deal more unnerving.

And reading through it all, Alex had never been more certain that she was undoubtedly and impossibly insane.


	4. Instinct

**4: Instinct**

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"Bringing the Krogan for study makes sense, but I have concerns about waking it."

"Yeah, you've said that a few times now." Jacob pointed out exasperatedly. Miranda scowled, turning to face Shepard who had just entered the room.

"You have some worries Lawson?" she asked amusedly. Of course she did. Miranda always had concerns. It was likely harder to find a time when the Operative wasn't calculating variables and plotting possible outcomes to every action Shepard made. Miranda sensed the laughter in the woman's voice and hated that she was becoming so damn predictable around her.

"A normal Krogan is dangerous. This one was created and likely educated by a madman." She hoped logic was enough to get through to the redhead, but from past experience, she knew she may as well have been bashing her head off a concrete wall for all the good it would do her.

"So were you, but I haven't kicked your ass out of the airlock… _yet_." The Commander smiled her infuriating half smile and it made Miranda want to smear the walls with her and turn the gorgeous face that Jacob was currently mooning at into a caved in mess. Instead, her impenetrable mask faltered before she could help it and she slipped enough to let Shepard see that the offhanded comment about her father had hurt.

_Damnit. And damn her._

She attempted to cover it up as quickly as possible, but it was too late. The Commander's face softened as she turned to ask Jacob to excuse them, to which he replied with a sharp salute, and exited the room with haste.

Miranda watched him go with a certain desperation, not wanting to be left alone with this woman she didn't recognise - the one that seemed to surface at the most arbitrary of times with a caring gesture and kind eyes. As much as Miranda hated being predictable around Shepard, she hated the other woman even more for being the complete opposite; a mystery.

"Look I understand your trepidation. But you can't deny that you and Grunt share a lot of similarities."

Miranda huffed. She could deny all she wanted.

"The difference is, I didn't wake up one day a fully grown Krogan with whatever homicidal interests a madman had implanted in my brain. We can't just dive right into this Shepard, he's a complete unknown."

"I know. Don't you find that exciting?" The redhead bounced, a childlike glee shining innocently in her eyes at the very thought of waking up a possibly brutal killer Krogan with daddy issues. Miranda stared with a furrowed brow, uncomprehending.

"No, and it amazes me that you do."

Shepard grinned, an honest and heart-warming grin that was so completely different from the arrogant smirk she usually saw from the other woman.

"Face it Lawson, I amaze you all the time." She winked, with a familiar mischievous twinkle returning to her eyes.

_Well Shepard's back._ Miranda thought with a roll of the eyes. _That didn't last long._

"I can't believe I didn't see that coming."

Shepard laughed. "You must be getting slow."

"It's likely that spending so much time with you has been killing brain cells if I actually believed you could hold a serious conversation for more than five minutes."

"Maybe. But hey it's not your fault you just can't stay away from me." Shepard's vexatious smirk made a dazzling return and Miranda had to take deep breaths just to control herself long enough to avoid punching her CO. Refusing to rise to the bait, she shook her head with a sigh, as if trying to shake away all remnants of a strange and overly confusing series of events.

"I still advise you to avoid waking the Krogan, but as I know, you seem dead set on ignoring any advice I may give, so just… try not to get yourself killed Commander."

She turned towards the exit, hearing Victoria's melodic laughter reverberate through the room as the doors swung open.

"I knew you cared."

Miranda could have remarked something about a four billion dollar credit investment, but it would have been sung to an already old tune. Instead, she just kept walking all the way to her office, seating herself in her chair, fully intent on beginning her report on their most recent mission on Korlus.

The report however seemed suddenly impossible to write, her words stopping blank every time she documented their meeting with Okeer. It was then that Shepard had first transformed into this stranger that she couldn't understand, placing a hand on her shoulder considerately. It had forced her to consider that perhaps she had evaluated Shepard incorrectly, and she hated being wrong. Mistakes were not the norm for the Cerberus woman.

Just thinking about the incident was confusing, reliving the moment in her best attempt to figure out what had been going through the other woman's head. But it was no use. She was no better at understanding Shepard on Korlus than she had been in that room not an hour ago. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't work it out. The hand, the soft expression, the gleam in her eyes…

Shaking her head, she stood from her chair, abandoning the report for a lost cause, at least for the moment. She was far too busy working on her new assignment, figuring Victoria Shepard out. She was still her project after all, a two year long project that she thought she'd had understood inside out. Alas, it seemed that the living breathing legacy that was Commander Shepard was a great deal more difficult to control and comprehend than a deceased one.

Miranda Lawson did not deal in ambiguities; she dealt in cold, hard fact. Without it, she felt lost. For now, Shepard was a mystery, but the Cerberus Operative had yet to come across a mystery that she couldn't solve. Shepard would be no different, and once she had the woman pegged, dealing with her would be far easier and she could get on with her job in peace.

Her first order of business was to find her.

Almost instantly however that proved to be a problem, finding the Commander's Cabin void of any life but a shy hamster – the colourful array of fish that should have brightened the room were floating dead atop the water in their tank. Of course, Miranda was unsurprised that the woman couldn't look after her pets. She could barely look after herself.

Her second stop was the CIC, but as the elevator doors slid open it was clear that this too was lacking any sign of the fiery Commander. There was a redhead there however, in the form of Kelly Chambers, greeting smile only faltering for a second when she noticed the footsteps approaching belonged to the XO. Miranda was unaffected however – she was used to it.

"Miss Chambers, do you know where the Commander is?"

"She went into the armoury a while ago with the mysterious Miss Keane. I do hope she's okay, she's had a very hard few days and she seems so-"

"Did she see the files?" Miranda cut in rudely. She wasn't prepared to listen to Kelly wax philosophical about the beauty of humanity and love and everything else that seemed to go along with her usual rainbows and bunnies outlook. Kelly looked slightly put off, but did well to hide it for the most part, trying to be as polite as possible with the intimidating woman before her.

"She did. She's still fragile right now, but I think she's coming round. She took it well considering."

Miranda simply nodded professionally and turned on her heel towards the armoury. She was greeted by an awed silence, as three figures sat in the glow of the passing stars. Jacob was sat beside Shepard, closest to the door, eyes firmly tracing the outline of Shepard's face, illuminated by the whirring light from the huge window. Miranda knew that Jacob was aware of Shepard's sexual tendencies. He had been there when she'd collected all the files on her, conducted all the research into her character. He had to know his chances of wooing her were next to non-existent. Even Miranda herself, the object of the woman's absolute hate, stood a better chance of ending up in bed with her - and that was about as likely as them surviving their suicide mission.

Still, she could understand his staring, especially in that particular moment. The Commander looked different; her hair was loose from its braid and falling in graceful waves past her shoulders, framing her face perfectly. Her skin looked soft and smooth in the radiant light, and her whole demeanour was as gentle and soft as it had been when she had comforted Miranda on Korlus, only this time, her hand was on Alex's shoulder, her warm smile directed at her.

Suddenly, as if she could sense her eyes upon her, she looked back to the doorway where Miranda stood, and the soft smile she had been sporting was replaced with the arrogance she usually regarded her XO with.

"Lawson, just the person I wanted to see."

"I find that hard to believe." Miranda said with a hand on hip.

"Then I've gotta work on my lying." Shepard gave a crooked grin, but it wasn't malicious in its intent. Miranda was learning ever quickly that insulting someone was Shepard's favourite form of humour, regardless of the truth behind it. In this case, after her most recent wonderings, the raven haired woman was unsure of what to make of the redhead's words. In the end, she almost had to fight back a smile. Almost. It was more of an unwanted spasm that she had managed, for the most part to keep under control. When Shepard's eyes lit up however, she realised she had not been entirely successful.

"Shepard, we need to talk." She hoped a change of subject would restore the natural order of things. She was Miranda Lawson after all, she couldn't just go around smiling all unselectively. Shepard might start to get the wrong idea and actually think her jokes were funny. Then she would never stop.

"Actually, I'm a little busy at the minute." She nodded her head back at Alex, who was still staring out into space with eyes as wide and starry as what lay beyond the windowpane. She was awestruck, absolutely and completely, as if seeing the stars for the first time. In her mind, she almost was.

"I could probably use your help though." Shepard admitted.

"Well those are words I never thought I'd hear come out of your mouth Commander."

"Yeah don't get used to it. But, I thought we could do some training with our recruit here." She pointed a thumb at the blonde, who's attention had quickly snapped away from the window.

"Wait, what?" a panic-stricken expression crossed her face. "I so did not sign on for that. Look at me, I have noddle arms!" She waved an admittedly thin arm vigorously for emphasis as worry seeped into the grey of her eyes. Shepard just laughed, shrugging off the short, fitted leather jacket she had bought at the Citadel and customised with a white alliance logo on the sleeve. Miranda suspected it was done mostly just to piss her off, in rebellion for giving her a wardrobe full of Cerberus marked attire.

In fact one of the first things she had done was re-stock her wardrobe with knee high boots, formfitting pants and a variety of blue tops that were certain to annoy every Cerberus loyal on board. Since the Illusive Man however had seen fit to fill the Normandy with ex-Alliance crew members and Shepard idolisers, it was mostly just Miranda that had complained.

"All the more reason for you to get practicing again. Besides, your noodle arms didn't stop you from taking out that guard back on purgatory." She grinned, already beginning her stretches.

Jacob's eyes very suddenly fixed decidedly lower than the face, the tight blue tank that the woman sported helping make every stretch slightly more risqué than it was probably meant. Though knowing Victoria Shepard, it wasn't all that unrealistic that the taut tops and equally painted on black bottom half were designed specifically to catch the wandering eye of all. In that way, she was like Miranda - a woman who was aware of her body and was perfectly capable of using it to her advantage.

Regardless, the redhead seemed remarkably oblivious at that moment in time, avidly focused on her stretching and continually prompting Alex to follow suit. The blonde complied, if half-heartedly, still looking back at the other two figures in the room with obvious apprehension.

"Okay, I say we start with some shooting practice first. You were an SMG kinda girl last time I checked, right?"

Alex just blinked at her blankly.

"Right, you have no idea… we'll try with that first anyway I guess. Trust me, you'll love this." She tossed the Shuriken at the younger woman, who caught it awkwardly, a horrified expression on her face. Shrinking away from the gun, Alex eyed it distrustfully making it clear that she obviously did not love it, regardless of Victoria's promises.

Miranda would have laughed, if it were in her nature to do so. It wasn't however, and so she just watched with a raised brow, silently amused by the blonde's clumsy and rather clueless approach to the handling of a gun. Shepard had set up a variety of human and alien target boards against the furthest wall, all decorated with a multitude of angry drawn on faces, sharp teeth and squinting eyes. The fact that the Commander had actually taken the time to do something so trivial with the galaxy at stake didn't surprise her, but she still found it hard to contain the roll of the eyes that was desperate to rear its head. She was doing it far too often around Shepard, almost everything the woman did required such an action – eventually it would become obsolete.

"Alright, just aim and shoot, like you did back on Purgatory." Shepard urged. Alex just gave her a defeated expression.

"I told you, I don't know how I did that."

"Yes you do. You were in the Reds. You've been shooting guns and getting into trouble since you were a kid."

"I know." Or at least that's what the files had said. Born in New Sylan, joined the Reds – an anti-alien street gang – after the death of her brother at the age of thirteen, killed countless aliens, became their personal assassin at twenty one, killed countless humans…

As much as she didn't like it, if anyone should know how to hold a gun it was her. Or the old her at least. But after reading what she'd read in the files, she wasn't sure she liked the old her all that much. And she certainly didn't want to become like her.

Regardless, at the expectant look in Victoria's familiar green eyes, she stretched out her arm, pointing the gun at the ridiculous face of the most alien looking board she could find and squeezed the trigger.

The sound made her jump, as did the force shaking her hand. Dark scuffs dotted the furthest wall and ceiling regularly in a large radius where her bullets had impacted, making it rather obvious that whatever had overcome her back on Purgatory was nowhere near present then.

Jacob barely supressed his laugh, and even Miranda had to concur that she found it just as shocking that the woman before them was the same woman that had been entrusted as the Red's go-to girl for alien assassination and political sabotage in their ever expanding interplanetary pro-human campaign. It was hard to believe that she was capable of even holding a gun correctly at all.

Alex barked out a sigh of frustration.

"I can't do this."

"Yes you can. You've already done it once." Shepard reassured her, using that same gentle tone that Miranda found so foreign on the redhead's tongue.

"And I still have no idea how I did it! I didn't think about it, it just happened!"

"Then don't think about it." Miranda cut in. "Obviously, as damaged as your brain is, your body still remembers how to fight. Sometimes instinct is the best weapon we have." And clearly, the woman's instincts were still sharp, which was a wonder, considering just how muddled her mind had become in its drug addled state. Though all trace of any drugs had long since disappeared from her system, and the worst of the withdrawal having been battled through on the prison ship, the effects on her body were still clear.

Miranda eyed the length of scar tissue along the woman's arm, thin and discoloured.

The blonde could feel the cold, judging eyes on her and shrunk away nervously, crossing her arms. It felt strange, to suffer judgement for something she couldn't even remember doing, in a life that didn't even feel like her own. But she was coming to accept that it was only because she had chosen to become involved with drugs in the first place that she had become the confused and delusional amnesiac she was.

"That's easier said than done." She mumbled, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable in her own skin. Her grey eyes flickered to meet Shepard's, searching for a rescue. What she found was steel, cold and unsympathetic.

"If you can't do this, we have no further use for you."

"What?"

Shepard just stared her down with a blank expression that caused icy tendrils of fear to creep out from her very core and clench around her heart.

"The galaxy is at stake here, and we have no use for a stumbling wreck of a drug addict ruining our mission."

Alex was horror-struck, her whole body rigid. This wasn't her Tori. This wasn't her best friend. She briefly looked back to Miranda, whose gaze was even colder. Her body was perfectly motionless, her expression like death itself.

"There's too much riding on this. We can't afford any loose ends." Victoria reached for the pistol always holstered at her waist. "I'm sorry." She swung it up, preparing to place it inches from her best friend's head, right between the eyes.

In a second however, her arm was twisted, the gun was out of her grasp and a sharp elbow had been delivered to her chin.

Alex stood, eyeing the redhead with both anger and surprise, as the pistol in her hand was planted firmly against the other woman's chest. And inexplicably, Shepard just smiled right back at her, as if she wasn't being held at gunpoint by a madwoman.

"And there you have it. Instinct. See, it's not so hard is it." She just laughed at the shock on the blonde's face, before disarming her in one fluid motion, so fast Alex barely even saw it happen. Re-holstering the pistol, Shepard patted her roughly on the back with a grin.

"Now rinse and repeat, only on those boards down there okay? Just let it come to you, you already know how to do it." And with that, she signalled with a wink at Jacob to take over and turned to leave with Miranda in tow, all the while Alex stared after them as they disappeared with the same stunned expression.

She'd been played. And she'd been played well.

Allowing herself a little disbelieving chuckle, she shook her head and turned on the target with a renewed confidence.

Victoria Eris Nemain Shepard; that was the woman she knew. It was nice to know that no matter how much she didn't know herself anymore, Tori hadn't changed.

XIXIXIXIXIXIX

"So, you said you wanted to talk?" Shepard queried as the two women exited the elevator into her cabin.

"Yes." Miranda followed her in. "I suppose I just wanted to clear the air a little. It's obvious we don't exactly get along, but I don't believe that should be any reason that we can't work together effectively."

"I agree." Shepard nodded earnestly as she sat herself back on her lounger.

Miranda was slightly surprised she hadn't received some kind of smartass remark, but was instead presented with a sensibility that she had thought a myth up until that moment.

"In fact, I must say I'm rather surprised at how smoothly this has all gone so far-"

"Your faith in me is astounding." Shepard remarked drolly, forcing a genuine laugh from the Operative before she could catch herself. Victoria marvelled at the sound of it.

"Was that laughter I just heard? Or are your gears just malfunctioning?"

Miranda managed to contain her amusement this time to a mild smile. "I'm quite capable of laughter Commander. Perhaps if your wit matched your arrogance I would have some reason to do it."

"Really? And here I thought Cerberus must have taken your sense of humour the same time they cut out your heart."

The two women eyed each other haughtily in challenge, a pause as they weighed each other up.

"I'm aware your relations with Cerberus in the past have been… less than stellar. But I'm hoping that with enough time on this operation, you'll come to see that our organisation has humanities best interests at heart. Protecting those interests are our one and only purpose."

Shepard sighed.

"Look if you're going to try and sell me on Cerberus, I'm not interested. Besides, I don't hate you 'cause you're Cerberus. I hate you 'cause you're a bitch." She smirked, but there was little venom in her voice.

Miranda was beginning to get a feel for when the other woman was trying to offend for her own entertainment, and when she meant what she said. In this case however, it was no doubt a combination of both.

"And it has nothing at all due to your encounters with the organisation I work for on Akuze or Binthu?"

Shepard's posture stiffened, visibly shifting in her chair.

"I don't want to talk about Akuze."

"Shepard it was-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" Her tone was final, and the ferocity in her eyes even more so.

The temperature in the room seemed to drop considerably, the shift in the atmosphere having left the women in an uncomfortable silence as the Commander stood, running a hand through her hair. She paced towards her desk, looking for something to take her mind off the unpleasant memories the turn in the conversation had resurfaced.

It was a long and painful few minutes before she spoke again.

"Oh, not again!" Shepard groaned as she noticed the colourful array of dead fish floating atop the water in the corner of the room, stroking the glass of her fish tank wistfully, her movements however, still rigid. "Why does this keep happening?"

"As crazy as it seems Shepard, you may actually have to feed them every once in a while if you expect them to live past a week."

"Well what about you Miss Cerberus? Spent hundreds of billions of credits on this ship and you couldn't afford to add an auto-feeder for the fish tank?" Shepard replied, annoyed.

"So I'm to blame for you not being able to look after your pets?" The Cerberus Operative was beginning to wonder if the Shepard she was facing now was even the same entity as the sensible more reasonable Shepard that appeared on occasion, or if she had some kind of dissociative identity disorder that she hadn't been made aware of.

"Obviously."

"Believe it or not Shepard, Cerberus actually had more important things to do things on our list of priorities. Rebuilding you for example. As you can understand, I was a little busy." Miranda's hand tightened on her hip in frustration. She had never met anyone so singularly vexing or unpredictable as the flame haired commander before her.

Shepard's eyes briefly flickered over that same hip, before meeting the icy gaze of her XO once more. "And here I thought someone as perfect as you claim to be would be capable of multi-tasking."

The comment shouldn't have stung Miranda – she'd had the word 'perfect' thrown back in her face more than a few times – but it did.

"I never claimed to be perfect, but I'm certainly better than you."

"So that's why you spent two years bringing me back to save all your assess?" Shepard shot back arrogantly.

"You'd have to speak with the Illusive Man to answer that one, because if you ask me it was a bloody waste of time. A petulant child with a temper has no business in Command."

Where the temperature had once felt icy, it seemed to have skyrocketed in a matter of seconds. The room was hot, ready to erupt in flames at any second as their eyes burned into each other with a venomous hate. Miranda felt a familiar searing within her that always signified the nigh irresistible urge to hurt the other woman. It made her fists and jaw clench, her muscles tense in strain just to hold herself back from losing control.

No matter what, Miranda Lawson was always in control.

The look in Shepard's eyes showed that she was clearly fighting a similar urge. There was an animalistic hunger in her eyes that resembled a predator closing in on its prey, hunting silently in the moment before the beast leaps upon its quarry and closed its jaws around the fragile neck.

Snap.

It looked like Shepard was ready to do just that.

"Tori, I was wondering if we could-"

The two women finally broke their stare, looking up at their intruder as she stood awkwardly by the elevator doors.

"Sorry, I didn't realise you had company." Alex murmured apologetically, but she didn't turn to leave; she looked too scared to move at all.

"It's alright Alex, Miss Lawson was just leaving."

The two women resumed glaring at each other for a tense moment, before the raven haired Operative finally stalked briskly out of the room, catching Alex's gaze briefly as she passed.

Alex shuddered as the elevator doors came hissing to a close.

"She scares me." The blonde muttered dryly, though completely serious. Seeing the worst of Miranda's glare was enough to make anyone believe that if she stared at the sun too long with those eyes, it would freeze over.

Shepard finally allowed her shoulders to relax with a shuddery laugh, a tumult of emotions still coursing through her veins.

"Who Miranda? Please, she's a gentle flower."

"Sure. One of those carnivorous ones most likely."

Shepard grinned again. She'd forgotten how good it was to be around Alex, how close they had been before it had all gone to hell; as similar as sisters and twice as close.

"Come on. Let's not let mean old Miranda spoil our day. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Shepard slung herself back onto her couch, lying back and resting her arms beneath her head.

Alex suddenly became apprehensive, wringing her hands like she had always done when she was nervous about something.

"I uh… I want to know about my past. My real past, I mean. The one I don't remember."

Shepard frowned. "You saw it in the files."

"I know. I just want to hear it from you." There was a pregnant pause between her speech as the grey of her eyes clouded over. "I want to know how you could leave me, after you'd promised that you never would."

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**Hey guys! Sorry for the wait being a little longer than usual. The other chapters I'd had pre-written so I could upload them at regular intervals, whereas from here on out I'll be writing them from scratch after every post and sadly, I'm quite a slow writer. Regardless, I promise to try and never leave it too long between chapters.*Pinkie swears*. **

**Anyway, sorry not much happened that chapter. Mostly just tried to flesh out the relationships between the characters a little and the next update will likely be similar, just with more familiar faces from the crew. Hope you liked it anyway and as always I'd really appreciate some feedback, good or bad (just keep it constructive please).**

**Also, once again a quick thank you to my little sister Jordyn for proof reading. **


	5. Holding On

**5: Holding On**

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A soft, rhythmic thudding was all there was to break the silence of the Commander's cabin. It had been silent since Alex had stormed out the same way Miranda had, and it occurred to Shepard, as she threw the ball in her hand at the wall once again, that she had a growing track record for simply pissing everyone off. Most of the time, she conceded, it was her intention to annoy.

But not with Alex, not this time.

Despite all her efforts, it seemed that she had managed to alienate her regardless. She wanted to blame it on Miranda - the woman riled her far more than she should have right to - but she knew that she had hurt her friend a long time before that; back on Earth, where she'd left her to fend for herself. She'd promised her after Nathan died that she would always be there to look to out for her.

But she left.

Alex remembered that at least. Only partially, but even then it should have been a good sign. And sure enough, Shepard was happy for the progress, but less so when it meant her friend hated her for it.

Heaving a deep sigh, the redhead sat up on her bed, letting the ball bounce from the wall once more and drop to the floor with a weak thump. Her shoulders always seemed so weighed down these days.

The moment she had first woken, staring straight into the endless blue of Miranda's eyes, nothing had made sense. She panicked, wanting to reach out and touch the beauty before her, to make sure it was real. To make sure everything was real, and that it wasn't all some kind of ill-defined dream. It had felt like a lifetime since anything was that real. The panic had soothed, more drugs pumping into her system, and Miranda had taken her hand.

Shepard had gripped that hand for all she was worth. It was a lifeline, the only link she had found back into reality through a haze of darkness and unclear dreams that stretched infinitely behind her. She didn't want to go back there, and held tightly to Miranda as if it would stop her falling back into space. The other woman hadn't seemed to mind. She'd appeared softer then, surrounded by a glowing white and smiling tenderly down at her. Everything was calm and dream-like, and it was the last time she'd felt peace.

The second time she'd awoken, everything had been different.

Thrust straight back into a world of gunfire and chaos, and the weight of an entire galaxy resting on her back and hers alone. She had no lifeline this time, and had no need of one. She wasn't the scared woman she had been on that operating table, but Commander Shepard reborn; survivor of Akuze, saviour of the Citadel, first human Spectre.

She didn't need anyone.

So why did she feel so bad?

"Shepard, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you." EDI's voice chimed throughout the room, forcing another irritated sigh from Shepard's lips.

"Yeah, well tell TIM he can go screw himself!"

"He stated that it was urgent Commander."

Shepard growled, kicking the soft ball across the room on her way toward the elevator. She was thankful at least for the fact that the comm-room was on the Command Deck. That way she ran less chance of bumping into a pissed off Miranda, or an even angrier Alex, who still maintained residence in the Med Bay – it seemed she and Doctor Chakwas had struck up an alliance of sorts - where she could stay sealed away from the crew's more unfamiliar members, while allowing her to keep a watchful eye on them through the window.

The elevator doors peeled open annoyingly slowly, which only made Shepard groan and kick the door – hurting her foot in the process.

"Son of a-" she stopped herself when she saw Kelly watching amusedly from her terminal, and resorted to a quiet grumble before stalking off to the Comm-room. Pressing the button on the panel, the orange scanners flickered into life in a column around the redhead, until the Normandy faded from view and she was presented with the Illusive Man, taking a drag from yet another cigarette.

"This better be good Timmy, I was in the middle of something." Sulking definitely constituted as something, she reasoned. She hadn't said it had been anything important anyway.

"Oh it is, believe me." He assured confidently, resting his cigarette. "Shepard, I think we have them. Horizon, one of our colonies in the terminus systems just went silent. If it isn't under attack it soon will be."

"Oh. That is pretty urgent."

"We agree on something at least. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?"

Shepard thought that it was strange how he managed to make even his simplest of queries always sound like a demand.

"Not yet."

"Let's hope he works well under pressure." He brought his cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply before continuing. "There's something else you should know." He paused again, and Shepard rolled her eyes restlessly. She was sure he did it for dramatic effect more than anything else. "One of your former crew, Ashley Williams; she's stationed on Horizon."

Shepard's head snapped up at once, her heart feeling for a second as if it had shuddered to a stop.

_Ash?_

"What? Ash…" Shepard swallowed her surprise, and the familiarity with which she said her name. _It's been two years._ She reminded herself. "Williams is Alliance. What's she doing out in the Terminus Systems?"

"Officially it's an outreach programme to improve Alliance relations with the colony… but they're up to something. And if they sent Chief Williams, it must be big. Perhaps you should take it up with her." He spoke casually, but there was something about his tone that grated on Shepard's already thin nerves.

She especially didn't like the way he was eyeing her, as if evaluating her reaction, sizing her up. He knew that mentioning Ashley would be like a slap to the face, and he was watching to see the finger marks appear.

"I'll be sure to." She eyed him narrowly back. "Send the co-ordinates, I'm ready to move." And with that, she turned on her heel and strode off, finding herself back in her cabin as quickly as the elevators would allow. In the past, slow elevators had been a God-send; or so Ashley had managed to mumble between kisses. But that was a lifetime ago, and Ashley was no longer there.

"Lock the door EDI." Shepard grumbled, slumping down in the chair by her desk.

"Done, Commander" EDI's voice chimed back and Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. Later, when they were closer to the planet, she'd have to check with Mordin about the countermeasure, but that was later. For now, she just wanted to be alone.

Eyes flickering to the picture on her desk, she felt a shuddering in her heart as Ashley's penetrating gaze stared back at her. It was in that moment the fact that she would be meeting that gaze for real once again, for the first time in two years, really struck her. In so many ways, it didn't feel like two years at all. It was like two months since she had last seen the chief, remembering perfectly the love and worry in the woman's gaze as she saluted to her CO a final time, rushing off to help with the evacuation.

_Why didn't I tell her I loved her? Why didn't I grab her and kiss her like it would be the last time, like I was about to run off and do something stupid like get myself killed?_

Shepard sighed, turning the picture to face the other way. The gaze was beginning to be too much, but she couldn't quite bring herself to take it from her desk. Not yet. Not until she'd seen her again. Not until they'd had chance to talk.

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

Miranda shook her head. She felt like she should be surprised, but the emotion wouldn't come. She simply wasn't. Shepard waking the Krogan was possibly the least surprising thing the infuriating woman had done since Miranda had met her.

And despite Miranda's reservations, his awakening had gone completely according to plan. Shepard's plan at least.

The brunette had always had serious doubts as to whether Shepard planned anything at all. Everything she did seemed completely spontaneous and severely under thought out. Yet somehow, it still all worked out regardless. She was beginning to concede that perhaps, the redhead knew exactly what she was doing the whole time, that the devil may care attitude and her constantly throwing caution to the wind was simply an act the other woman played very well.

It was entirely possible that they were in fact more similar than the redhead would ever like to admit. That secretly, the Commander planned every little last detail of her day just as meticulously as Miranda did herself.

"You're kidding right?" Alex laughed, taking a moment from her shooting to turn to Miranda, unsure if she was serious or not.

"Hardly." Miranda replied tersely. She didn't 'kid'.

Alex barked another bitter laugh, turning back towards the targets and refocusing her Shuriken. "Please, Tori doesn't plan a damn thing. She's just the luckiest damn bitch on the planet… uh, in the galaxy. Whatever."

"Impossible. No-one's that lucky."

"Sorry lady-" Miranda shot her a venomous glare. "I mean, Miranda. I uh… Operative… damn it, what was it again?" Alex mumbled nervously under the raven haired woman's intimidating glower. People just called her _Ice Queen_ or _The Cerberus Bitch_ behind her back – if most people were Jack - and Alex was certainly not going to say that to her face.

The blonde had only been down to the depths of the ship on one occasion, following her argument with Victoria. It had been a harrowing experience to say the least, running into the bald woman for the first time. There weren't many people willing to seek her out, and it was easy to see why.

"_The fuck do you want?" _had been her only greeting as she hesitantly crept down the stairs and it had been enough to make her want to sprint back up them and never look back. She knew what the other's had said about 'Subject Zero'. That she was extremely dangerous, volatile to the worst degree. A psychopath who had been residing in the same maximum security prison ship she herself had been in, and for good reason apparently.

But it was for exactly that reason Alex had been desperate enough to seek the woman out in the first place. Purgatory had been her home - unbeknownst to even herself - for an indeterminate amount of time. Though Alex would have named it Hell, she supposed Purgatory was apt enough of a description for the inescapable nightmare of her mind.

She had been warned about Jack, who even on her short time aboard the ship had already gained a name for herself as someone to be wary around. Despite the coarse language and the occasional threat, the convict had surprisingly seemed hospitable enough to Alex. When she thought about it, it occurred to her that the same whispers that surrounded Jack likely followed her own name too among her shipmates.

After all, who wouldn't be wary of a potentially insane, ex drug-addicted and xenophobic gang member?

Alex rolled her eyes at the thought, bringing her back to the present. Miranda was still staring her down impatiently, making the blonde quickly divert her gaze back to the targets at the end of the armoury, now riddled with holes.

"Lawson. That was it; Operative Lawson." She said as the name came back to her, with no small amount of relief. "Sorry, I've never been good with names, y'know?"

"It seems to me you're not very adept with memory of any sort." The Cerberus woman sniped back. To her surprise, Alex just laughed.

"You got me there." Her eyes had a spark of amusement to them that seemed to have been lost to her in this strange new life. "But some things are coming back to me."

"So I see. Your aim has improved at least."

"Well it certainly couldn't have gotten any worse." She smirked. "But other things are coming back too. I remember… earth. Some of it anyway. It's kinda foggy."

Miranda eyed the woman with revelation. "That's a good sign. I'm sure Shepard was pleased."

"Not when the only thing I know for certain is that left me behind. Just ditched me and walked away without taking one damn look back. I mean sure, from what I hear I was in way over my head with a whole load of bad stuff, but you don't just walk away from a friend like that." Alex shook her head angrily, before letting a round loose on the unsuspecting human target against the far wall. The stupid smile and wonky eyes that had adorned its face became a series of gaping holes.

"At least with your memory returning you can rest assured that you're not insane."

"Can I though? I mean yeah, I was high as a damn rocket-ship for years, and suffered some kinda wicked bad come down in that cell; going cold turkey's bound to make you a little messed up. But creating a whole fantasy life? Forgetting my real one? That's gotta mean a couple screws got knocked loose somewhere right?" She tapped the side of her head for emphasis. "Even then, I'm still not sure I'm totally convinced about all this anyway."

Miranda frowned. "You said your memories were returning."

"Sure. But how do I know they're real. For all I know, I'm sat in some mental hospital somewhere back home, rocking back and forth while some nurse wipes the drool off my chin. If you say I managed to make up some elaborate fantasy and a whole shit ton of memories for myself, it's just as possible that you're not real, and the part that I'm making up is the aliens and fucking spaceships. I mean come on, which would you believe?"

A telling silence hung in the air as Miranda considered the question.

Originally, she had only travelled up to the Command Deck to take audience with the Illusive Man on the status of their mission so far. After her argument with Shepard she perhaps had been slightly more harsh than necessary when indicating the Commander's progress, but maintained that it was entirely the darned woman's own fault for being so utterly maddening at every opportunity.

It was as if every time she gained a step with her, the Commander threw her back another ten and it made her want to scream. Miranda Lawson had never been anything if not completely controlled and calm. But that was most likely because she had never quite encountered someone so wholly frustrating as the immature, contemptuous and significantly impulsive redhead that continued to confound her at every turn.

She had never come quite so close to losing control, and she hated it.

It was as she had left the Comm room in a silent rage that she had heard the news of the Krogan.

"_Can you believe it; a lab grown Krogan… called Grunt!"_ Hadley had exclaimed, instantly alerting Miranda to the situation.

"_I know. It's so cool! I wonder how Shepard got him to help us."_ Mathews' voice was filled with a certain amount of awe as he spoke of Shepard, no doubt picturing some heroic victory of words or weapon that she had used to win over the beast. Miranda rolled her eyes.

"_Knowing Shepard, I bet it involved guns. Or explosions!" _Hadley replied.

"_That's stupid. How would the Commander use explosions to win over a Krogan?" _

"_I don't know. Krogans like explosions right?" _

"_I don't know. Why don't you go ask him?"_

Miranda had pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. She was sure she wouldn't explode herself from all the stress the redheaded Commander was putting her under if she just remembered to keep breathing. She cursed the woman's name, adamant that she'd throw her out of the airlock – credit investment be damned - if she ended up with even a single grey hair.

It was once regaining her cool and calm centre that her theory of Shepard's planning had formulated, just begging her to investigate the possibility. Upon hearing the shooting in the armoury, she had concluded that the best possible course of action would be to use the sources at her disposal, one of which being an ex-best friend that was perfect for mining information from but for the severe amnesia and overall identity confusion. She had decided to make the most of it regardless, and strolled right in to question the blonde about Shepard's psyche.

Now somehow, after having had her theory shot down, she had managed to find her way into some kind of existential debate about reality with an undecided lunatic. She struggled to see how her day could get any worse.

"I'd believe what it was most logical to believe." She answered finally. Tired of the turn the conversation had taken, she stalked off toward the door, passing Jacob who gave her a cursory nod on her way out.

"Wait."

She stopped, but didn't turn, unwilling to be dragged back once again into the mire of uncertainty that had surrounded the amnesiac since she'd first arrived on the ship.

"I never finished what I was saying before did I? About Shepard?"

Miranda did however turn then, Shepard's name beckoning her with all the mystery that surrounded it, and her growing need to find its solution.

"No. You didn't." she answered curtly, trying to hide the desperation for knowledge from her tone, but unable completely to keep it from seeping through.

Her eyes gave her away, Alex thought, and the language her body spoke upon hearing that name. The Operative was clearly fascinated by the Commander. She also vehemently disliked her; that much was obvious from the intense stare-down the blonde had witnessed earlier. Regardless, as much as she tried she could not hide the intrigue she felt at discovering all there was to know about the woman that had her so on edge. Her project, even now.

Alex grinned internally. As angry as she was at Tori, she had to admit to a certain amusement at the familiar emotions she could see in the brunette's body language. She had seen it a thousand times herself, had even gone through it.

In either universe Alex could remember, in both of her lives, she knew one thing for certain: Tori had always had a way of captivating people. People could love her, or hate her, they could desire her or despise her, and they could even want her dead… but no matter what, each of them would be enthralled by her, obsessed in their own little way. She was the indomitable enigma, the victorious conqueror of hearts and heads alike, and even Miranda Lawson, the cold and pragmatic woman that she seemed to be, was not immune.

Alex's felt the smile begin to tug at her lips, unable to supress it any longer.

Miranda simply frowned once again, feeling wary of the other woman's silence. She felt even more uncomfortable under the blonde's unfathomable smiling gaze, and was thankful when she finally broke the silence.

"Shepard doesn't plan. She's way too impulsive for that. But she is smart."

Miranda looked a little incredulous, despite having seen Shepard's IQ rating during her reconstruction. So far, she had been shown little from the woman to support such a high number.

"I guess in that way, she's always been a leader. She's good at all that split second decision crap. She goes with her gut, and it's usually right, and like I said before, she does have a damn whole lot of luck on her side too. That never hurts."

Nodding, Miranda turned once again, digesting the information she'd been given as she exited the armoury. Perhaps she was right, and Shepard was as intelligent as her records suggested, far smarter than Miranda had originally given her credit for. It was the only plausible explanation for the success of the missions so far, for the way things just kept working out in the Commander's favour.

Despite the evidence, she still found it hard to swallow. It was difficult to see the other woman as anything but a charging bull, attacking at full speed with devastating effect, but with absolutely no thought behind it whatsoever.

As if to prove her right, Miranda was knocked backwards the second the elevator doors slid open, only to look up and see the bright green eyes that had been plaguing her nightmares for weeks.

For a second, those same green eyes seemed to soften, Shepard's expression apologetic as she looked down at the fallen Cerberus Operative. The second passed however, as did the expression, disappearing as quickly as it had arrived. In its place a self-satisfied smirk formed on her full lips.

"What are you doing down there Lawson?" Her smirk developed into the shit-eating grin that made something boil within Miranda to the point of wanting to burst.

Huffing angrily, the brunette pushed herself off the floor, coming face to face with the slightly taller woman. She only had an inch on her, if that, but made sure to use it to her full advantage, leaning slightly to emphasise the gap.

"I apologise Commander. I didn't realise I hadn't fully restored your eyesight. Perhaps you should see Doctor Chakwas for a check-up."

"So she has to fix your shoddy work? A little unfair don't you think?"

Miranda seethed as Shepard brushed past her, heading straight for the cockpit. The Cerberus woman's head told her to leave it, to just walk away and forget the incident. She wanted so desperately to be the bigger person.

Her wounded pride however, wouldn't allow it. Something about Shepard seemed to continually drag her down to the redhead's level and she hated herself for it, but she was compelled to follow, as childish as it was. She wasn't about to let the woman think she had one up on her.

"Or perhaps you're just too clumsy and careless to watch where you're going. It's no wonder you end up in the med bay so often, being so bloody inept."

"Maybe I wouldn't be injured so often if someone on my team could concentrate for five minutes on shooting the enemy instead of checking to see if her hair is still perfectly in place." Shepard shot back, annoyed.

It was childish, and they both knew it. They sounded more like a couple of school children than grown adults, let alone those in positions of authority in a professional working environment. Yet neither could stop until they reached Joker, who swung round in his chair with a wolfish grin on his face.

"Ladies, ladies, if you really want to settle your differences, I suggest wrestling. Mud wrestling. Or hey! I could bring oils… Ow!" He recoiled with a hand to the side of his head where Shepard had flicked him. "Okay, jeeze, it was just a suggestion. No need to get all Kung Fu Commander on me." He rubbed the spot gently. "Great, that's gonna bruise."

"Suck it up soldier, or we'll arm wrestle next."

"Yeah, yeah, make fun of the cripple. Real sensitive. You know one of these days, I'm gonna break an arm, and then you'll be sorry. It'll be all '_oh no, now Joker's gone, who's going to fly the ship? I knew I should have appreciated him more.'_ And when it happens, you can't say I didn't warn you."

"Actually Jeff, I would be quite capable of flying the ship should it be necessary." EDI's voice sounded throughout the cockpit, taking the wind from beneath the wings of Joker's rant, and stealing every ounce of his thunder. Joker just muttered under his breath about the old Normandy and the good old days when she didn't have an annoying voice to interrupt him.

Shepard just shook her head fondly. "What's our ETA for Horizon?"

"Just another half hour to go Commander."

Shepard nodded firmly, a resolute look in her eye that spoke volumes.

She was thinking of the mission, of the enemies they'd have to face. She was thinking of the reapers, and the colony and the galaxy that rested on her.

She was thinking of Ashley Williams.

Miranda followed Shepard from the cockpit confidently, already considering every possible outcome from their mission. The most interesting factor was no doubt going to be the presence of the Commander's old flame. Miranda was much looking forward to seeing how her reunion with Shepard would go, now that the latter was working for Cerberus.

"Are there any extra mission parameters you wish to go over Commander?"

"That won't be necessary."

"Excuse me?" Miranda was shocked. Shepard always had something to say about the mission, even if it was something as simple as 'don't get dead'. Instead, she just glanced back at her formally and for a brief moment, seemed as if she wasn't going to speak at all.

When she did, her tone was more serious than any she had ever used before, and it made Miranda freeze.

"You're not coming."

* * *

**AN: Firstly, I'd like to seriously thank everyone for their fantastic feedback so far. I really appreciate hearing what you think.  
**

**Second, sorry about the wait. My hands won't type and my brain won't form the words if they're not inspired and I've been so bogged down by college work, inspiration's been pretty hard to come by. In that respect, I apologize if this chapter comes across as a little iffy, I had to force it in some respects because I felt awful for leaving it so long.**** Let me know what you think.  
**


	6. The Phoenix

**6: The Phoenix**

* * *

**.**

To say that Miranda Lawson was unhappy was an understatement. Alex had but known her a short while, yet in that relatively brief period of time, she had come quite quickly to learn that the Normandy's second in Command was not the most outwardly happy person at any given time. However it was clear from the incessant click, click, click of her heels slapping against the metal grated floor as a result of her pacing at that moment, she was undoubtedly more unhappy than usual.

If the blonde were being honest, she would admit to some annoyance on her own part at being left behind. The thought of her best friend being off on some planet that wasn't earth was a head-trip in its own right, but the fact that she would be being shot at by… 'aliens'? That was so much more disturbing. The word even felt foreign in her head, yet she'd seen enough of them pass by the window of the med bay to know that they were very much real.

She checked to the left and right briefly as she exited the elevator to make sure no extra-terrestrial life forms were milling about the CIC before ducking as far left as she could manage, hoping it was well out of the perky, redheaded yeoman's sights.

The woman had somehow become her shrink while on board, and her excessive happiness and understanding gaze had already begun to grate at her relatively thin nerves. It wasn't that she disliked the yeoman, but being forced to talk about her feelings and being looked at as if she didn't know a thing at all was at the bottom of her list of fun activities.

Heading towards the cockpit, she was stopped by her own surprise upon the revelation of another figure, leaning over the pilot's shoulder and for the most part ignoring the Cerberus operative's pacing.

As if hearing her chain of thought, Miranda turned to face her with a look of what could only be described as intrigue. Strangely enough, it was coupled with frustration and a great deal of dissatisfaction, serving to completely obfuscate her thoughts from those attempting to read them from her face.

"I'm surprised. I was beginning to think that you wouldn't leave the mess until our food stocks had been depleted." The raven haired woman remarked, her tone dry and face unchanging.

"What makes you think they aren't?" Alex replied, her eyes quickly darting to the hooded figure behind Miranda, who had since turned to face them. The figure was clearly that of a woman, whose lips were painted and eyes held a mischievous glint, but the shadow that veiled half of her face disquieted Alex instantly.

"Ooh, is this our resident crazy? And here I thought I would be the creepiest crew member aboard." The shadowy woman remarked, eyes scrutinizing every inch of the blonde, who suddenly felt as if she were under review.

"Sorry. I've definitely got you beat there."

"I'll say. You really don't remember space travel? Or aliens?" The woman watched Alex's non reaction with amazement. "Yep, you're definitely crazy. But hey, if there's one thing I've learned from my time in the biz: sane is boring, crazy is so much more fun!" The woman winked - before disappearing seemingly into thin air.

"What the hell!" Alex's eyes looked ready to fall from their sockets. Her shock was apparently hilarious, because she heard a soft titter behind her, and even Miranda cracked a smile, which shocked the blonde even more. She couldn't quite decide which occurrence was the more miraculous of the two.

"You're almost amusing, I'll give you that." The operative remarked, before nodding to the pilot and stalking off.

Alex didn't know whether to be happy that the brunette seemed to have given her some form of approval – _almost_ - or offended that she had become everyone's dancing monkey on the ship.

"Don't worry. I think that was actually a compliment. It's difficult to tell with Miranda, I know." The chair-bound man said, breaking into her amazed reverie.

"Great." The blonde replied, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably, still nervous around so many unfamiliar faces. "So uhm, what was that all about?"

"The disappearing? Hah, you should have seen your face. Like a little kid who still believes in magic."

"Not that, I meant the congregation forming up here."

"Oh, Miranda's been tracking Shepard's movements. Doesn't surprise me. She's a _little_ bit of a control freak. Just, don't tell her I said that – I'm fragile." He bemoaned, gently waggling an arm for emphasis. "Anyway, it looks like the Commander's running into a lot more trouble than expected. Miranda wants to lead a team down there to assist."

"And the other one?"

"That's Kasumi. I think she just likes snooping around."

"Actually, Miss Goto was here to discuss taking part in the secondary ground team's mission, Jeff." A female robotic voice chimed in, making Joker groan. Alex had learned this 'AI' was part of the crew, and had taken it in her stride quite admirably. She had given up being surprised by anything anymore.

…Except in the case of her more recent discovery of invisibility. That was a whole other kind of head-trip.

"Is that where she's going now? To head a team down there?"

Joker paused his bickering with EDI for a moment to nod his head, before resuming his tirade about the qualities of a silent ship and the numerous ways in which he could get rid of an interfering AI.

Alex heard little of it. She had already begun sprinting to catch up with Miranda. The woman hadn't made it far before the blonde managed to intercept her with a determined look upon her face.

"I'm going with you." She spoke firmly, without even the sense to have a trace of fear in her eyes when regarding the cool Cerberus operative before her. Miranda regarded her coldly, raising a brow.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"I _need_ to be down there."

"You _need _to be admitted into a psychiatric ward." The Cerberus woman answered dismissively, beginning to walk away.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. She's my friend, and if she's in trouble I need to help!"

"I am not about to take a bumbling amnesiac - who only yesterday had no idea how to fire a gun properly - out onto a battlefield. That's not help, that's a liability." Her tone was final, but Alex had suffered just enough brain trauma in her life to ignore it completely, continuing to follow after the Operative into the elevator.

"I can fight! I know I can." She didn't in fact. At most, she was confident she would be able to operate her gun in at least the right direction as her targets. It didn't change the fact that she sorely needed to go. If she was in fact honest with herself, she would admit that it was not entirely to do with a wish to help her friend. No matter which universe she remembered, which reality she could think of, she knew above all else that Victoria Shepard could take care of herself. Instead, the desperation to see what was below stemmed more from Alex's doubts. She needed to see what was out there. This other world. Even more, she needed the gunfire and horror to help her understand what her life had been before.

"You don't have any armour." Miranda replied tersely, her patience beginning to wear thin.

"So? I saw that Jack chick headed down there in straps! You're wearing a damn leotard!"

Miranda ground her teeth, eyes narrowing dangerously. A sharp tendril of fear crept icily down Alex's spine making her regret her words in an instant.

"Can you conjure a biotic barrier to protect yourself?"

Alex remained silent, swallowing nervously but refusing to back down.

"Didn't think so."

"Please Miranda. I _need_ this."

"No. There is no way I am taking an untrained, unfit and ill-equipped civilian into battle. I am not bringing you down there!"

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

"I can't believe I brought you down here." Miranda hissed to herself, crouching behind cover. Flicking her gaze back to the blonde woman behind her, she observed quickly how she was doing, as she had been wont to do throughout their entire excursion so far. The Operative mentally slapped herself upside the head, attributing what was without a doubt the most idiotic tactical decision she had ever made to being slowly driven mad by the woman they were attempting to aid.

The name Victoria Shepard was increasingly common on her tongue, used in a fit of annoyance every time something bad happened.

Reports were left unsatisfactorily bare because the woman was so unfathomable. Miranda was snapping at little things that she should have risen above and ignored. And now, she was bringing insane and unqualified non-combatants on missions with her.

She shook her head in disgust. Not once had she ever worked in such a frustrating and irksome environment. All the stress was clearly going to her head.

"Just stay down!"

"What? I'm helping." Alex replied innocently.

_Of course, if your definition of helping is occasionally landing a few shots and putting an almost dent in their armour while continually distracting me. _Miranda sighed. Having Alex there made her constantly on edge. While Mordin and Kasumi were working hard at her side, the Operative was simply making sure her barrier stretched to protect the younger woman as well every time she peeked out from cover.

For the most part, the other woman had indeed been more a hindrance than a help, with Miranda's eyes constantly darting towards her. If she ended up getting herself killed, Miranda could only imagine the shit storm that would occur between herself and Shepard._ As if things between us weren't bad enough already,_ Miranda sighed.

Still, the Cerberus woman had to concede that she hadn't done anything dangerously foolish yet, so luck it seemed was on their side.

"Move up!" Miranda shouted as she took out the last remaining collector in the area, pushing forward towards Shepard's last known position with haste.

From what she'd seen on the video feeds, the other team were under majorly heavy fire. A colossal creature had hounded them relentlessly, firing devastating beams most predominantly at the Commander. All the while, husks had been harrying them from all sides. Miranda wouldn't have acted on that alone. As much as she loathed to admit it, she was confident in the red headed woman's abilities as a fighter.

When the problem was compounded by the fact that electronic blocking stations had been set up to prevent EDI from finishing her work on re-aligning the Alliance's laser turrets however, Miranda knew she would have to act. Without those turrets, the Collector ship would be able to drop off as many re-enforcements as necessary. The team wouldn't stand a chance.

"What the hell are they doing?" Alex whispered, snapping the other woman from her reverie.

They had rounded the corner to be confronted by dozens of frozen civilians, staring vacantly. Helpless. Collectors were milling around them, escorting pods away from the scene.

"Wow, your memory really is terrible. I'm _pretty_ sure we told you about the Collectors already." Kasumi fizzled into appearance beside Alex, making her jump. The thief chuckled. "That never gets old."

"I know _what_ the Collectors are doing. I meant I wonder what they're doing with the colonists after they… y'know… collect them."

Mordin shifted slightly. "Unknown. Likelihood of survival: poor. Purpose: Impossible to determine. Sure this was discussed earlier also. Your memory is questionable. Could run tests, if you'd like."

Alex just eyed him, annoyed before turning back to the colonists and readying her gun. It was still a little shaky in her hands, as if it didn't quite belong there. She really couldn't imagine how she used to be any good at the whole shooting thing. As it was, the help she'd promised Miranda was in relatively short supply.

Miranda signalled for the team to move forward and Alex flicked her gaze back up to the area ahead, surveying it for the best piece of cover she could find, when something caught her eye. "Wait." She pointed discreetly. "I recognise that woman."

The others looked to where her hand directed them, seeing what looked like a soldier poised and ready to fight. But like all the other colonists they'd seen so far, she was unmoving, gripping her gun tightly without the ability to use it. Dark eyes flicked each and every way holding enough pissed off action woman vibes for Alex to be suitably sure she didn't want to be the one they were aimed at.

Miranda squinted. "Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. The Illusive Man mentioned she was stationed here."

Alex just looked at her questioningly, forcing the Operative to sigh and pinch the bridge of her nose.

"You probably saw her on the news. She was part of the crew from the first Normandy that helped liberate the Citadel under Shepard."

Kasumi hummed impishly, eyes twinkling with mischief. "Rumour has it that she spent a lot of time more closely _under_ Shepard than was professional. The romance, the regulations; you can practically taste the scandal!"

The thief winked at the blonde, who nearly choked on her tongue. That was some imagery of her best friend that she really could have lived without.

"We've got more trouble."

More Collectors had come forward, taking the soldier by the arms and dragging her towards the pods. The look in her eyes was a mixture panic and fury, but she was unable to act on either. Instead, her legs traipsed behind her as she was pulled towards her fate.

"Ready?" The Cerberus Operative whispered, biotic energy sizzling around her as she cocked her arm back ready to unleash holy hell on their unsuspecting enemies. Her teammates nodded.

"Now!" She pushed a hand out forcefully and Alex watched in amazement as one of the Collectors grappling the Gunnery Chief flew forwards and slammed head first into a thick white wall with a sickening crunch. The other dropped the soldier instantly, reaching for his gun before being brought down by a silent blade, slipped in his back by a thief that had appeared behind him only a second before.

A final pair of foes turned, rifles in hand and took aim at Kasumi as she ducked into cover but they never had chance to fire. Both went down in an instant, Alex and Mordin lowering their guns.

All in the area had been taken care off quickly and effectively as Miranda liked it, and Alex almost wanted to high five from the elation of actually taking her first enemy down. She felt however that that would probably be a bad idea, and decided to keep her both hands and her adrenaline fuelled jubilation to herself.

The team rushed over to the fallen woman, frozen face down on the ground. Alex turned her over, pushing the hair that had escaped her bun from out of her eyes. Eyeing her speculatively, she found herself frustrated at another missing piece of the puzzle that was her memory. Someone she recognized but didn't remember.

"We should bring her with us." The blonde suggested.

Miranda raised an incredulous brow, looking at her like she was insane. Alex only found it funny. She likely was.

"Why would we do that? She's of absolutely no use to us whatsoever."

"Tori will probably want to talk to her. She said they were… y'know." She pointed at Kasumi, feeling incredibly awkward that she was talking about this right in front of the woman in question, who could do nothing but stare agitatedly at them all, paralysed.

"We have no idea how long it will take for the sting's effect to wear off."

"Well I dunno, give her some of that heal-y stuff. That might help. And I'll carry her 'til she can walk again."

Kasumi apparently thought that was hilarious, because a sudden bout of laughter erupted from her. "This girl is priceless. We're keeping her right?"

XIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXXIXXIXIX

Shepard grimaced, wiping a bloodied hand across her face that painted deep red streaks onto her skin. It didn't make much difference to her overall appearance, as blood had already been seeping for some time from a slashing wound that crisscrossed on her cheek and stretched over her eye onto her forehead. Her vision to the right was blurred, and she had to continually wheel around at every groaning sound she heard to avoid being flanked by husks.

The situation looked dire, with Garrus already unconscious and being dragged by her side as she pulled him into cover. Jack provided support, sending shockwave after shockwave at the creatures that came racing toward them, arms outstretched and mouths gaping like something from a horror film.

Dropping Garrus against a wall behind shelter, she charged forward at the nearest incoming horde, smashing fist first into a husk that was sent flying backwards in the air. The next one's skull was crushed by the weight of her shotgun. Shaking in pain, the whole group of them were enveloped in an area warp from Jack that made Shepard grin despite the circumstances.

She leapt into the air, biotic energy surrounding her in an instant and with a guttural scream of effort came crashing to the dirt with a powerful punch that shook the ground with brutal force. The detonation it triggered exploded around her, ripping the creatures apart in an instant.

Before she could celebrate however, she heard a by then all too familiar hiss signifying the arrival of another Collector praetorian, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention, as if they were as horrified as she was.

"God fucking damn it!"

The words had barely escaped her lips before she was forced to dive out of the way of an energy beam that ripped its way past her by centimetres.

"Shit another one? How many of these fuckers do they have Shepard?" Jack cursed, ducking into cover beside Garrus' prone form.

Shepard glared through searing pain in her skull. "Oh hold on a minute, let me just ask them?" She bit back sarcastically. "Hey Collectors, how many more of these things do you have? Jack wants to know!"

"Well could you tell 'em to quit with the husks to while you're at it?"

Victoria laughed in spite of herself.

"Sure. We've been at this so long I'd say me and the Collectors are like this." She crossed her fingers together with a grin, before rolling from another devastating attack.

She wasn't actually sure how long they'd been at it at all. Trapped in what was beginning to feel like an arena, as ancient Gladiators spilling blood on the sand for the roar of the crowd. Only the crowd had left hours ago and the Emperor had given the thumbs-down signal to seal a fate that they still refused to stop fighting.

"EDI, what the hell is going on with the Alliance Turret?"

"Blocking stations are preventing me from fully re-aligning it Commander. A second team is working on destroying them."

"A second team?" Shepard muttered to herself, her first thought immediately being of Miranda. Of course the Cerberus woman would be unable to stay behind, she thought. The woman was as headstrong and assertive as an oncoming truck. In the current circumstances however she wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or elated; though when a husk collided with her on her from the right, she settled on elated.

"Shepard!" Jack's voice was almost drowned out by the hoarse groaning that the creature above her expelled.

"It's cool. I've got it!" Her reply was strained, and a little less convincing when followed by a grunt of pain as a desiccated fist struck her cheek. She laughed regardless, spitting the blood from her mouth.

"Is that all you've got? My dead father hit me harder than that, and _he_ was too drunk to stand up straight. _This_ is how you hit someone." She gripped her gun tightly, swinging it with all her strength into the side of her attacker's skull, but before she could pull the trigger and blast said skull from its shoulders, a hail of bullets ripped into its back.

Looking up, her eyes met five figures on the balcony of one of the buildings situated above the expansive doors that had locked her team in the gauntlet of death they'd been facing for what felt like days.

Seeing her saviour however, in white and pink armour, lowering her rifle, almost stopped her heart. _Ash._

"Commander, the blocking stations are down. The Alliance Turret will be operational in approximately two minutes."

Victoria couldn't even muster enough semblance of mind to form a reply, instead staring breathlessly at the woman on the balcony, as if she hadn't seen her in years. It was difficult to remind herself that in actual fact, she hadn't. Ashley's dark eyes were troubled, staring back at the Commander with unfathomable emotion in their depths, and for a few moments Shepard completely forgot how to perform simple respiration.

Another volley of gunfire sounded, snapping her from her reverie as she noticed the husk drop down behind her. She could almost feel Miranda roll her eyes without even having to see it.

Quickly springing back into action, she sent a series of biotic bursts into a throng of enemies. One Collector barely had time to stumble back to its feet before the redhead had seemingly disappeared into thin air, re-appearing before the creature in an instant and slamming it with the force of a freight train.

"Turret's are online Shepard."

"Give 'em hell EDI!" Shepard turned to her team. "Alright you heard the lady. Let's bring this bastard down!" All fire was focused on the shrieking mass of heads that made up the Praetorian stalking them until with a final shrill groan it lifted into the air, disintegrating as so many of its predecessors had done previously.

"They're pulling out! Guess they got what they came for."

Shepard looked up to see the Collector ship vanishing into the distance in a haze of blinding light and breathed a sigh of relief.

"No! Don't let them get away!" Running past the group, the Mechanic the team had met earlier, hidden away in his bunker pointed to the sky watching with devastation as the ship disappeared from view.

"Sure, I'll get right on that. Just let me get out my magical space map and I'll hop right in my rocket ship and go."

"You've gotta do something! Half the half the colony was in there! They took Egan and Sam and… and Lilith!"

"Oh I'm sorry, I must have been too busy saving the other half of the colony to notice. You know, while you were so pre-occupied with your hiding and what not." Shepard softened slightly, heaving a tired sigh and brushing the loose strands of hair from her face. "Look, I tried alright. I'm sorry."

"Yeah fuck you! If it wasn't for Shepard you'd all be on that damn ship."

Shepard couldn't help but smirk, grateful as ever for Jack's input.

"Shepard? Wait, I know that name." The man paused for a moment, observing her. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero." The disdain in his voice made it clear that he didn't quite share the idea.

With the way she was feeling at that moment, Victoria was quite prepared to punch the man. She was even half considering it when her heart stopped for the second time that day.

"Commander Shepard: Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, saviour of the Citadel." Their eyes met, and Shepard wasted no time in scrutinising every detail of her face for the first time since waking in her new life. _Still so beautiful._

Ashley continued. "You're in the presence of a God Delan. Back from the dead."

Delan however, seemed less than impressed. "Of all the good people we lost, you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types."

It seemed neither of the women really took any note of his exit, both intently watching the other with a longing that was mirrored in each of their eyes and was only satisfied when they ended up in each other's arms. It was strange to Shepard, who felt as if their time apart may have been closer to two months than two years, the memory of the last time she held her like that still so fresh in her mind.

Though for Ashley, it felt like coming home. As if she'd been lost for two years and had only just found her way back to where she was supposed to be. Part of her was shocked at how easily those feelings came flooding back. She thought she'd moved on. But there she was, holding onto the redhead for dear life as if to stop her from disappearing again.

"I thought you were dead Shepard. We all did." Her voice seemed so fragile then, in a way that Shepard had rarely ever heard from the other woman. She was brash, loud and flirty, with albeit a rather surprising reverence for poetry. But fragile was not a word that would ever be applied to her.

"Kind of was. It's a long story. But God is it good to see you."

"That's it? You show up after two years and all you have to say is 'good to see you'? Do you have any idea what you put me through? I…" She pulled herself away from the arms that she had longed for, instantly missing their comfort, and swallowed the tears that felt like they could spill at any second. "I loved you Shepard. I thought you were dead. I almost… Why didn't you try and contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

"I couldn't. Like I said: dead. They don't exactly have an email system on the other side, y'know."

"Shepard you're not making any sense. How could you be dead. You're here, now. Breathing."

"Yeah well, it turns out anything's possible with a fuckton of money and a super brain working to bring you back." She didn't see the smile that elicited from Miranda, who had silently made her way to stand behind Shepard with the rest of her team. "Two years later, here I am. Figured you'd moved on without me. Didn't want reopen any old wounds." If she was honest, she'd also been slightly terrified to see it for herself. To see the woman she loved happily getting on with a life that didn't include her anymore. She might have died all over again.

"I moved on. But here you are, pulling me back in. And now, we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

"Reports?" Miranda cut in. "So much for security."

Shepard didn't even have to turn to know that the other woman would have been sporting her trademark scowl. She was so predictable it made Shepard smile a little.

"Alliance Intel said Cerberus could behind our missing colonies. We got a tip that this one could be the next to get hit. I went to Anderson but he wouldn't talk. But there were rumours that you weren't dead. Worse: that you were working for the enemy."

"They're not the enemy." Miranda wished she had recorded Shepard in that moment so that she could replay it to herself every time she got sad. "Not this time anyway." She would skip that part obviously. "Look I know what I'm dealing with here okay. I don't like it any more than you do. But Cerberus are the only ones actually doing something about our missing colonies."

"Bullshit! How can you defend them after what we've seen?"

"I am not defending them! I was there on Akuze remember? I lost my whole damn unit to their fucking experiments and when the time comes I will reap bloody vengeance on The Illusive Man and he knows it. But right now? We're at an impasse. We both need each other to fight the Collectors and that's as far as it goes. I swear."

"I wish I could believe that Shepard. I wanted to believe that you were alive, I just never expected anything like this. How could you just turn your back on all of us? You betrayed the Alliance, Anderson… you betrayed me." The venom in the Alliance woman's voice woke a fierce anger inside Shepard. She got her terrible temper from her father, she knew that. It had always been one of her biggest flaws. But she had never once thought that it would ever be directed at Ashley. Not Ash. Not _her _Ash.

"You know what? Fine. Fuck you Ash. If saving these colonies is a betrayal then okay: I'm a fucking traitor. But don't you dare stand there and give me that look. You don't get to judge me! I'm the same as I ever was, doing what it takes to get the job done, and if that means working with Cerberus then sign me the fuck up!" She spat the words with fury, while Ashley just looked at her as if she was a stranger.

"I can't _believe_ you would trust them. What is wrong with you? What the hell did they do to you? Wake up Shepard! What if they're behind it? What if they're the ones working with the Collectors?"

Shepard barely heard Miranda's dry mockery of the Alliance through her rage.

"Then I would rip the heart out of their organization in a second. But they're not. You're being so blinded by the past that you won't even stop and think about this!"

"And you're being blinded by the fact that they saved you. Or maybe they changed you somehow. It doesn't matter. I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, it's in my blood." She turned to walk away, giving one last look in Shepard's direction. "I'm reporting back to the Citadel. I'll let them decide if they believe your story."

"Ash…" The words caught on Victoria's tongue. Her head felt like it was ready to explode, the pain pressing in on her while her thoughts of sorrow and anger and apology fought for dominance.

"Goodbye Shepard. Just… try to be careful."

And with that she was gone, and Shepard just looked drained. She stared after her for a few more moments, before turning back to her team, assessing everyone's condition. She was about to move to collect Garrus when she noticed a flash of blond hair in the corner of her eye.

Alex looked at her with a sheepish expression adorning her washed out features and Miranda at least had the decency to look slightly guilty as furious emerald eyes flicked over to her. The redhead's expression was stern, but tired. Like all the fight had escaped her.

"Joker, send the shuttle. I want off this damned planet." She lowered her hand from her ear piece, fixing Miranda with a withering glare. "We'll talk about this later."

A few metres away, a coarse groan could be heard from the ground as Garrus woke, rubbing at his head. He surveyed the group momentarily, counting three too many team members with a confused expression.

"Okay, what did I miss?"

* * *

**AN: Hey there. Bet you thought I'd died huh? Nah, I'm still kicking, but almost felt like I'd died a few months ago when my computer broke irreparably and the four next chapters I'd written for this were washed down the drain. Kind of lost the will to write for a while. Re-writing something you know you've already done is actually soul destroying. But I got myself into gear and got it done. Eventually.****  
**

**Still, I'm exceedingly sorry about the wait, and as a reward for all those who have decided to stick with me on this one, tried to make this chapter a little longer than it originally was. That and I give you all a virtual cake. Here. Take it.  
You're welcome ;)  
**

**Anyway, drop a review and let me know what you think... or at least just to let me know that someone out there is still reading this haha.**


	7. Reminiscence

**7: Reminiscence**

* * *

**.**

"You've really gone and made a mess of yourself this time Commander." The Doctor grumbled, pulling at Shepard's arm for the seventh time in the space of five minutes in an attempt to keep her in place. "And you're not exactly making this any easier."

"You try sitting still while someone's poking around at your wounds, _Karin_."

"Oh hush. I wonder what people would say if they could see what a big baby their Commander really is.

"I'd just shoot them. Leave no witnesses I always say."

"Then I suppose I should count myself lucky that you need me to fix you up every time you go and get yourself injured shouldn't I?"

"You have no idea." Shepard smirked fondly, feeling a great deal less troubled than she had back on Horizon. The Normandy was her calm amid the storm in many ways, which she could admit was a rather silly, considering the trouble they always seemed to be plummeting headfirst towards. It didn't change the fact that it hadn't felt like she was able to breathe until the elevator doors had opened up and paved the way for slumping onto her bed with a heavy sigh.

Lying on her back, staring at the stars; it felt like home. And home comforted her.

She was still angry however. There was no escaping the fury she felt when thinking about the fact that Alex could have died back on Horizon, or the stinging betrayal she felt when she went over her conversation with Ashley in her head. It was the same fury and stinging that had urged her first actions once she rose from her bed to be throwing the picture of her erstwhile lover from her desk.

A few calming breaths later, she had picked it up again and placed it face down on the table. It felt like the end of something. It had never really hit her before; the loss. She had in truth been trying to avoid seeing the other woman for as long as she could, because until that moment she had been able to pretend. Pretend like it wasn't over, like their time apart had all been a dream, and she'd see her again soon regardless.

But flipping that picture was the end; a closure that settled grimly in her stomach until a blanketing of numb indifference had washed it away. It was in that moment, in a strange way that she realised she felt almost better for it. The false hope had been strangling her slowly since first waking from the Lazarus project. Now she was free.

Though there was still a dull ache resonating in the roundabout region of her chest, the searing in her skull from the open cut on her head had swallowed it whole.

So upon seating herself in the med bay, with the bleeding from her head having slowed slightly, her head felt a little clearer than it had in what felt like a long time.

"I suppose I'll just sit here and talk to myself for all the good it does me." Chakwas muttered, an inquisitive brow raised at the redhead for good measure, snapping Shepard from her reverie.

"Huh? What was that?"

The Doctor just laughed briefly, shaking her head with a small smile.

"I said, why didn't you use any medi-gel? You're lucky this wasn't a lot worse."

"Wow, why didn't I just use some medi-gel? That's genius! How come I never thought of that?" Shepard mocked.

"Careful Shepard, you're not too old for a good scolding from your elders you know."

"Yes mother." She grinned wryly. "And as to your previous question, we ran out. Garrus kept getting knocked on his scaly ass. I think all that time he spends calibrating has made him forget how to shoot a gun."

"No doubt" the woman smiled laughingly, finally pulling away from Shepard's face with a sigh. "Well I've done all I can, but you're definitely going to have a rather handsome scar there."

Victoria rolled her eyes, wondering how she'd managed to mar herself so quickly after having the scars and burns from her previous life taken away. Climbing from her seat, she took the mirror Chakwas offered her and examined the damage.

"Great." She muttered dryly, fingering the arcing slash that decorated her face from brow to cheek, intersected by a second smaller, thin gash that cut across her cheekbone forming an upside down cross of sorts. She raised a now slightly segmented eyebrow, watching as the cut moved with it and rolled her eyes at the first of what she was sure would be many in a new collection of war wounds.

"If it helps at all, you make it almost look quite becoming."

"Gee thanks. Almost becoming is just what I've always strove to be." She laughed, waving a hand at the older woman as she made to leave. "See ya Doc."

"Not too soon I hope" Chakwas replied, forcing another laugh from the redhead as the doors closed behind her.

She didn't make it far however before her somewhat good mood was soured by the guilty looking blonde that stood before her, clearly having been waiting outside the med bay for her exit. She nervously fiddled with her hands, seemingly trying her best not crumble under the cold, scrutinising green eyes that bore into her own grey ones.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone down there. I know."

"Yet you did. What the hell where you thinking? What was Miranda thinking?" Shepard's voice was passionately furious, her eyes flashing almost red for a moment, making Alex cower slightly before the taller woman.

"It wasn't Miranda's fault. I made her take me."

"No-one makes Miranda do anything. She's a grown woman who makes her own decisions and I trusted her to make the right ones."

Alex looked slightly shocked by the professional respect the redhead clearly had for the Cerberus woman. Shepard supposed it was a little strange considering their obvious distaste for one another in every other aspect of their relationship.

"She didn't want to take me; I just annoyed her until she would. I needed to see what was down there Tori! I needed to know! And besides, I'm fine. Nothing happened. In fact I even-"

"You could have been killed Alex!"

"But I wasn't…" Alex returned to fiddling with her thumbs, her sheepish expression deepening as she stared at the floor.

"Well that makes it okay then. Really Alex, what the hell was going through your head? You're not even close to being ready for hostile engagement!"

"I just… I needed to see if I was really crazy."

Victoria's rage seemed to lessen somewhat, confusion contorting her expression.

"What?"

"I needed to see for myself: another world Tori. I needed to really be on it, to know that, we really are light-years away from home or whatever. I know that sounds stupid. But how could I pass up that opportunity?"

Shepard softened, shoulders slumping in defeat before wrapping her arms around her troubled friend with a sigh. She briefly wondered if Alex's then melancholy face was the same one that Miranda had had to contend with and sympathised slightly. How could anyone with even a shred of humanity deny that face?

She had however been questioning the Cerberus woman's humanity for some time.

"Don't ever think of doing something like that again okay?"

Alex nodded, pulling away from the hug with a small smile and motioning to cross her heart. Shepard just rolled her eyes, glad that they the blonde had seemed to have let go of her anger in regard to what she remembered about their past on Earth, though the elder woman had no doubt that they would have to talk about it at some point.

Before that however, there was no doubt a raven haired Cerberus Operative awaiting her arrival with no small amount of trepidation.

Though her rage had in fact cooled somewhat, the redhead could feel it still bubbling under the surface of her calm exterior the closer she got to Miranda's office. It had gotten to the point where she was sure that just thinking about the other woman could set her off.

"Lawson."

The woman in question raised her head in an instant as the doors to her room slid open. For once, she hadn't been stooped over her terminal, typing furiously with the keen look of professionalism Shepard had come to expect upon entering her XO's cabin. Nor was she studying its screen with the small crease between her brow that always seemed to appear when she was thinking and no doubt overthinking something to death. Victoria cared little to take note of when exactly she had begun to catalogue every single one of the other woman's idiosyncrasies and instead glossed over the thought as quickly as it occurred to her.

Instead, she watched with surprise as Miranda paused what seemed to have been something akin to a worried pacing to cross her arms beneath her chest. The movement would have made it slightly difficult for the redhead to focus on the brunette's face had it not been for the barely covered anxiety she found there that instantly stopped her in her tracks.

Any of the anger that had remained in the Commander seemed to dissipate without warning, so fast that it shocked her.

Once again she was confronted with the annoying urge to comfort the woman she hated. Victoria almost worried that this would become a common occurrence, what with the consoling hand she'd placed on Miranda's shoulder on Korlus and her soothing approach in the comm room earlier in the week. She didn't quite know what it was that kept overcoming her every time her XO wore the hurt and troubled expression that she was wearing at that moment, but it wasn't good.

She reasoned that perhaps in a strange and twisted way, she felt that only she was allowed to make Miranda miserable, because whenever anyone else did it, she was overwhelmed by the fervent need to protect her.

So there she was, protecting. And feeling rather confused about it.

"You don't have to worry that much Lawson. I had planned on ripping you a new one but Alex talked me out of it. She seemed to almost like you."

It was partly true at least. Alex had calmed her some, but she had still very much intended on launching into a vicious tirade at the other woman until around ten seconds previous.

"She _is_ crazy." Miranda replied drolly, but seemed to relax very little.

Shepard studied her quizzically.

"Yeah, if we needed any proof, there it is."

Humming briefly in agreement, Miranda scratched at her collarbone nervously, placing her other hand on her hip, meeting Shepard's eyes properly for the first time since their conversation had begun.

The Cerberus woman's expression seemed strangely familiar to the Commander, who's brows furrowed in thought as she attempted to place it.

"Are you okay, Miranda?"

"I could ask the same of you." She took a few steps forward, raising a hand to tilt Victoria's wounded cheek towards her, brushing the side of her face gently with her fingertips. "That's going to scar nicely."

"So I've heard. Sorry to make a mess of your fine work."

Miranda hummed again, mind obviously elsewhere as she backed off away, resting against her desk with the crease between her brows that Shepard had wondered about before making an appearance. She looked more uneasy than the redhead had ever seen her and it bothered her more than she would admit.

Things were so much clearer when they were angry, sniping at each other hatefully. Shepard was unsure what to do with the concern she was feeling in its place.

"Really Miranda, you don't have to be so hard on yourself. You fucked up, sure. You shouldn't have taken her down there and you know it. But everyone makes mistakes. And your team did save my life so… I guess we're even."

Miranda didn't look at all appeased.

"…And that's not what this is about is it?" Victoria queried.

"Not exactly."

There was a long pause.

"Shepard I… I find myself in the… unpleasant position of asking for your help. I don't like discussing personal matters but, this is important." She paused again, clearly struggling.. "I know we haven't really talked much since we've begun working together, but, well-"

"Is this about your father?"

Miranda raised her brows, clearly surprised.

"You're wearing the same expression as when you first told me about him." Shepard explained.

"But that was… I just mentioned him in passing…"

"I have a good memory."

"…Six years ago." Miranda finished, regarding her superior with disbelief.

"I have a _really_ good memory. Besides, you're not exactly the kind of woman someone forgets... _Laura_."

Smirking, Miranda couldn't stop the roll of her eyes at the sound of her pseudonym from so long ago. One date, years ago and somehow the other woman had failed to forget a single thing she'd been told.

In truth, the raven haired woman had done her absolute best to wipe the entire night from her memory and pretend it had never happened, and up until that moment, Shepard had seemed to have attempted to do the same. Aside from their first meeting following Shepard's revival - at which point Miranda had icily corrected the redhead about her name -they had never spoken of it again.

She supposed if she was honest, she'd been even colder towards the Commander than she usually would have been, in an attempt to make it clear that professionalism was all that would be between them, regardless of any intentions they'd had in the past.

It had been a mistake on her part she conceded, leading to the particularly frosty relations they had endured so far in their mission.

"I can't quite tell if that was supposed to be a compliment or an insult."

"Obviously it was both." Shepard's small grin made it clear that there was no venom in her intent.

The two women smiled at each other, in what felt like one of the most surreal and momentous occasions of their entire operation so far: Miranda Lawson and Victoria Shepard actually getting along without descending into a chaotic fiery argument.

There was clearly, no doubt, a first time for everything.

Neither of them however were exactly willing to put bets on how long it would last.

"Anyway, you were partially right Commander. My father does have something to do with this. How much do you remember about what I told you?"

"He was a controlling asshole who expected you to be perfect. Eventually you got sick of his bullshit and took off."

"Right." Miranda began, scratching at her collarbone again, as she was wont to do when worried. It was another of those quirks that Shepard had already mapped and catalogued in the back of her mind. "Well the part I left out is… I have a sister, a twin. And he's still hunting her. Cerberus has kept her safe… until now. She's living a normal life on Illium. Safe and hidden from my father."

"And you think he's managed to track her down?"

"Precisely Commander. My sources indicate he knows that she's on Illium. I've tried to keep her hidden without impacting her life but I'm out of options." She rested against her desk. "He's too close. I need to relocate my sister's family before it's too late and I know, it's a lot to-"

"We'll go right away."

Victoria regarded her with a look of utter sincerity and determination. Miranda found that she was continually being surprised by this woman.

"Oh… Thank you Shepard."

The Spectre just shrugged nonchalantly, as if it was nothing at all, a deadpan expression on her face.

"No problem. But you should probably stop smiling at me like that. People might start to think we actually don't hate each other's guts."

Miranda returned her straight face completely, her amusement only evident in the steely blue of her eyes.

"Of course Commander, we can't have that."

Giving a sharp and professional nod, Shepard turned on her heel and left, metal doors sliding shut behind her as she wondered how exactly she'd gone from intending to discipline her XO severely, to almost flirting with the woman in the space of five minutes. She was almost close to considering the possibility that she'd somehow been sucked into some kind of alternate universe, before realizing she'd likely been taking to Alex too much.

Regardless of the thought, she still somehow found herself making her way over to the med bay to seek an audience with the woman in question.

She wasn't particularly looking forward to it, but she knew they would need to talk about what had happened back on Earth at some point. Part of her hoped that having the chance to apologize for what she'd done would help to assuage the guilt she still held on to. Of course it could also make it ten times worse if the blonde couldn't forgive her.

And the more Alex remembered, the more Shepard feared that would turn out to be the case.

Earth had been brutal, and with family and friends dropping off one by one, all they'd had were each other, and the gang that had both saved and ruined them in every way possible. They were dependent on each other, and Alex had been almost as dependent on Shepard as she had been on the drugs that had slowly taken her away from herself, until even Victoria could barely recognize her anymore.

In a way, having Alex back there with her, on the Normandy, even with all the delusions and confusion, it was like having her old friend back; it was as if the person she'd been before everything had went to hell had risen from the dead the same way Shepard had.

She just didn't want to lose her now she'd gotten her back.

As the Commander drew closer to the med bay however, it became clear that the talk she'd wanted to have would have to be put on hold. She could see the even rise and fall of the blonde's chest through the window, and the peace on her face as she slept.

Victoria smiled. Beneath the sunken eyes and hollow cheeks - that had slowly began to fill out day by day – Alex looked most like her old self when her eyes were closed. Without the fearful confusion emanating from those grey irises, it was easy to see the innocence she'd once possessed. Losing her memory had almost brought that back for her.

Walking into the med bay, Chakwas greeted Shepard with a smile as the younger woman continued over to stand by Alex's bed.

"I think her little excursion on Horizon took a lot out of her Commander."

"I'll bet." Shepard chuckled briefly to herself, tucking an errant strand of dull blond hair behind her friend's ear. "She always loved her sleep."

"Well that certainly hasn't changed. She'd sleep the whole day away if I didn't wake her every morning."

"She also loved getting herself into trouble too. Another thing that obviously stayed pretty consistent."

The Doctor laughed. "I'd hazard a guess that you were just as bad Commander."

"Are you kidding me? I was worse."

"Of that I have no doubt."

A peaceful quiet enveloped the room as Chakwas returned to the work on her desk and Victoria continued to watch her friend for a moment longer before turning to leave. She had almost made it to the door before a horrified gasp from behind her caused her to spin back instantly.

Alex's eyes were still closed, but the peaceful expression from moments before had been replaced by pain. Her hands trembled noticeably, breathing erratic and audible, even from where Shepard was stood.

"Alex?"

The only reply was a muted mumbling with as much terror in its tone as was written on her face. Her shaking worsened, seeming to grow almost violent, clear tremors wracking her whole body until a piercing scream tore from her lips with deafening ferocity.

"Alex!"

XIXIXXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

"Alex!"

Tori's voice felt far off in the distance, muffled and annoying as the pitter-patter of footfalls slapping against the floor.

Both sounds however, were unfortunately rather persistent in cutting through the haze of peace and calm that had settled over her in her sleep.

"Alex!"

"What?" She grumbled irritably. _Why are people always interrupting my damn naps?_

She peeled her eyes open, blinking rapidly at the brightness that overcame suddenly overcame her senses. She seemed to have that problem every time she woke up lately, with the med bay lights shining on her incessantly.

Once her eyes had adjusted, she took in the two faces above her, staring worriedly down at her. Both Tori and Chakwas had unreadable expressions on their faces, confusing to the previously happily slumbering woman.

"What's the matter? Who died?" She rubbed at her eyes groggily.

"Don't joke like that asshole! You had me scared for a second there." Tori scolded her, punching her in the arm softly. Her smile was there, but it looked more strained that anything, with real fear barely concealed behind it.

"How are you feeling?" Chakwas asked, clearly as concerned as the redhead beside her.

"Well I was feeling fine until _somebody_ interrupted my sleep."

Both women above her looked at each other nervously, exchanging a glance that seemed to say more than they were willing to out loud.

Alex pulled herself up onto her elbows, furrowing her brow at their odd behaviour.

"Okay really, what the hell is up with you two? What's going on?"

Tori placed a hand over shoulder, comforting her for a reason that had yet to be revealed. "Alex, you had some kind of fit. You don't remember?"

"No I didn't."

"Yeah, you did. You were totally fine one second and then the next? Bam! You were flat out shaking like crazy."

Looking to Chakwas for confirmation, Alex's brow furrowed even deeper as the Doctor nodded. The older woman then noted a few things down on the clipboard in her hand, before regarding her with a friendly expression.

"Hello Alex. My name is Doctor Chakwas. I'll just be-"

"Yeah I still remember your name. I know you guys make a lot of jokes and all that but my memory isn't _that_ bad." She laughed, but the serious look she received in reply sobered her quite quickly.

"Alright seriously, what the hell is going on?"

She looked around nervously, taking in her surroundings properly for the first time since opening her eyes. The walls were the same blinding white as she'd expected, but the room was undoubtedly different to the one she'd fallen asleep in. A curtain had been drawn around her bed, but even the surface of the floor was a slightly different shade to the med bay's dull grating.

"Where the hell are we?"

"We're at the hospital. Look, everything's going to be okay."

"What do you mean we're at the hospital? What about the Normandy?" Without really noticing it, her heartbeat had been slowly creeping up in frequency second by second. She could almost hear it beating.

"Alex, you're not making any sense. God, I should have never made you go on that run. You've been a little out of it all week."

It was at that moment however, when Alex's heart almost faltered to a stop completely.

"Run?"

Tori looked at her as if she was crazy, brows pulled together in confusion. It was only then that Alex remembered the wound the other woman had picked up on Horizon that should have cut through one of those brows and adorned the left side of her face. As it was, her face was markedly bare but for the old scar on her cheek that had been missing on the Normandy.

"Yeah Alex, our run. We'd barely made it out of the damn house before some asshole started wolf whistling remember? Then you just, dropped. I freaked out Alex. I had no clue what the hell was the matter with you."

An awful silence hung in the air for a moment, as Tori's words sunk in.

Alex couldn't help the sudden hysterical laughter that erupted from her chest if for no other reason than it was the only thing she could possibly think to do. After all, she knew exactly what the matter was, and it was only then, sitting for the second time that week in an unfamiliar place with an all too familiar feeling of horror in her chest did it really become clear.

There was no doubting it anymore.

She was definitely, one hundred percent, certifiably insane.

* * *

**AN: What's this? Another chapter _before _three months has passed? It cannot be! **

**On a serious note, thank you so much for everyone who's continued to read/follow and especially review this story. Your feedback means a lot and I love you all. Seriously. **

**So... Alex is crazy, Miranda and Shepard met once before the Lazarus Project and the Universe is about to implode... Well the last one is untrue, but Shepard and Miranda were sort of getting along, so anything is possible! **

**Hah let me know what you think. **


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